(This is a series. If you’re trying to read this backwards on Google Reader, you may want to start here. Story officially begins here.) I come from sturdy peasant stock, the kind with thick ankles who squat in the corn fields to give birth. No sissy HMOs for us. So I was startled to discover [...]
There was a young turkey named Fred Who was forced to live in a shed. ‘Twas quite all right, for six dark nights ‘Til he realized someone wanted him dead. ~ Fred sat on his bed, all alone in his shed Pondering his own demise. Innocent was he, til suddenly He learned of a recipe. [...]
The internet black hole – the one that chewed on my head and considered swallowing me whole – has found me unworthy of its discerning black hole palate and spit me back out again. I am profoundly grateful and only slightly bedraggled. And feeling like the worst sort of internet tease for posting a Part [...]
I was a late bloomer. Embarrassingly late. And I’m not talking about boobs. But since you bring it up… Dear Boobs, I’m almost 30 years old. Where ARE you? Love, Moose I could blame my lack of romance (much less something approaching a real relationship, which, as we all know, dumps romance into the whirling [...]
The dog almost caught a gopher on Bernal Hill this afternoon. She pawed at the hole with more than her usual fervor, so I went to check the proceedings. A small, brown rodent struggled pitifully, trying to writhe away from the pup’s frantic slavering. It wasn’t the first time I regretted eating an entire bag [...]
Remember yesterday’s post? Where I implied that my story would begin “tomorrow”? Which is, of course, today? I lied. My story will begin on Monday. For now, it’s drizzling and I’m wrapped up in a blanket. My plan is to eat chocolate chips in front of the TV while organizing my many to-do lists. So [...]
I find myself paralyzed. Why did I crack open the Can’t Have Sex file? Wasn’t breaking my favorite coffee mug into foot-biting shards on the kitchen floor this morning enough cracking for one week? NO. I MUST STICK MY NOSE INTO COMPLICATED PLACES. PLACES LIKE VAGINAS. Oh, I’m just making it worse, aren’t I? Once, [...]
I have a little story for you. I’ve been wanting to talk about it for years but, well, it’s a story. A story that may require multiple parts and, frankly, I’m a little lazy. And this is hard to talk about. I’m still not quite sure how to discuss it without violating my relationship’s number [...]
Yes, I’m posting pictures of my dog. Shut up.
My first word was “shoes.” I’m not even employing the ever-popular Blog Reality Edit for the sake of this post. I have two rather amused parents who can verify this episode in my young, mewling life: I pointed to my feet, opened my mouth (as yet untried in the formation of English speech), shouted “SHUZ!”, [...]
