Tonight I was staring into my laptop, as I do, when the house began to sway. Bless you, ominous California sway! You remind me that I don’t live in a place with tornadoes or hurricanes. Well-versed in the etiquette of earthquakes, I stayed in my chair and tipped my head up, perhaps expecting a tectonic [...]
Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. Mainly because it gives me an excuse to steal candy from children. (By stealthily removing the dark chocolate Dove morsels from the pantry, days before any trick-or-treaters are scheduled to appear.) (Not by holding a six-year-old to the ground so I can wrench the orange plastic [...]
“So. Are you getting married?” I always wondered what it feels like to have your brain leak out your ears, drip down your arms and puddle on the floor in a sticky pile. Now I know. It feels not unlike having your stomach turned inside out and jabbed with a pencil while you sit awkwardly [...]
What could be stupider than buying a white couch? Inviting the neighbor’s three-legged black cat to nap on it. After using it as base camp one for operation Lick Kitty Ass. Meanwhile, the dog stares at the cat, whimpering in a tone that means “I want to eat the cat! I want to EAT THE [...]
I used to dance. I will again, preferably after I shed all this nesting weight that has lowered my center of gravity to right around my ass, but for now I’m abstaining. Dance classes tend to involve corrections, loud corrections, corrections that sometimes get repeated because you didn’t correct it properly the first time. Dance [...]
How do you know when your love for amusement parks begins to border on the obsessive? When you… a) eagerly board a roller coaster with ascents so high and descents so fast that you actually black out b) fly 2,400 miles for the privilege c) spend 10 straight hours making use of that privilege d) [...]
“So…. You should really calm down. Unless you WANT to implode after methodically blackening every one of your internal organs with your hysteria.” My doctor didn’t really say that. But I’m sure she was THINKING it. I went for a fairly routine check-up yesterday and came out with more in the way of prescriptions and [...]
Where can I apply for a Jeeves? (Of Jeeves and Wooster, of course.) Surely there’s some government program that sends needy people a butler. Out-of-town guests will be arriving at the Oakland airport in five hours and I can’t manage to get out of bed. Something is pressing on my chest and even careful application [...]
Tonight’s dinner almost convinced me to abandon my worship at the altar of seared flesh in order to spend the rest of my days gnawing on lettuce leaves and small carrots. Cutting the tips off naked, goosebumpy chicken wings is gross. There’s no other word for it. Stomach danced the revulsion jig, I braced the [...]
