When Disorganization Can Mean Jail Time
Posted by Moose on September 19th, 2007. Filed under: Misadventures, San Francisco.Last night I made a voodoo doll of a San Francisco police officer. Then I made the voodoo doll stub its toe. Repeatedly. Why this passive aggressive anger toward the fine men in blue? FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.
Did you know that a combination of disorganization and clerical error can get you fingerprinted on 7th St. by an uncomfortable young police officer while his hardened partner watches with narrowed eyes? No? Well, let me tell you: IT CAN. Today’s lesson: If you belatedly realize that your driver’s license has expired, don’t wait for that DMV appointment next week. Brave the lines and the surly DMV employee’s expressions. This will keep you from walking home at night through crack whore-infested neighborhoods carrying a shiny new misdemeanor citation. Why are you walking? Because your car HAS BEEN TOWED. And your car might not be the only thing that ends up in jail. When you get home, wearing an expression of charmingly morose hysteria, do not – I repeat DO NOT – google “driving with an expired license.” Much like googling “stomach ache” and pulling up five pages that scream “CANCER”, you will pull up “90 DAYS IN JAIL.”
I’ve never felt more kinship with Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton than I do right now. Maybe we can form a street gang. We’ll call ourselves the Overbred Chihuahuas. And we will be fierce. There will be voodoo dolls of our enemies. We will dress these voodoo dolls in last season’s shoes and outdated eyeshadow colors.
I knew it wasn’t advisable to drive with an expired license, but I naively assumed that it was a simple bureaucratic issue. One that would be easily cleared up once it was discovered that there was no reason for me not to be driving aside from the fact that I hadn’t yet been to the DMV. Did any of you note my use of “simple bureaucracy” and start laughing like a hyena with a blocked wind pipe? Because it may be “bureaucracy” as opposed to “endangering innocent citizens”, but bureaucracy has no compunction about calling you a criminal and confiscating your car. They want your $500, after all. Is my pungent bitterness apparent? Is the acrid scent wafting off your screen?
The next day, I got up earlier than I have in months to set my affairs in order. I went to the DMV to get my license reinstated and prove that my car is, in fact, registered. (Second lesson: when you need a smog check to re-register your car, don’t assume the auto shop will send the results electronically, just because they say they will. They might be lying to you.) Then I went down to the courthouse to spring my car from jail and deal with my citation. Only to learn that I can’t deal with my citation because I have to wait for my court date. I have a court date. How sweet.
See how quickly you can go from tax paying, law-abiding citizen to shifty eyed criminal? It’s mind-bogglingly easy to end up in jail these days. Think about it. What if a neighbor kid jumps the fence and plants pot in your backyard? What if your license is suspended without your knowledge? You can go to jail without doing anything wrong. I find this a sobering notion. Now, it’s highly unlikely that I will go to jail for being lax about sending in paperwork. If I hadn’t found some reassuring information on the DMV web site, this post would be ALL CAPS OF HYSTERIA rather than OCCASIONAL CAPS OF VAGUE UNEASINESS. It’s far more likely that I will have to pay a small administration fee, make some terribly original joke about highway robbery, and walk right back out again. But according to the internet, which is an infallible resource, people have gone to jail for this. And, trust me, I will be worried about that possibility, no matter how miniscule, until I get that citation off my desk. Where it glares at me accusingly. In the case of jail time, perhaps I can count on the internet to bake me a cake and hide a metal file in it. Internet?
Last lesson from someone who has recently eaten a lot of driving infraction-induced comfort Cheetos: Obey the letter of the law, not the spirit. And renew your goddamn driver’s license on time. Luckily, Cheetos and voodoo dolls bring a surprising amount of serenity to your beleaguered soul. So please excuse me. I think my voodoo doll needs a paper cut.
September 19th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Damn, girl, that is unfortunate.
If you’d only been a little farther north when it happened…. you know, my gramma’s was 2 years expired when that happened, not 2 months.
Purple hair can do wonders to inspire compassion, perhaps you should get try some of this for the judge?
http://www.specialeffectsusa.com/hair_dye.html
OMG. Court date. Do they let you bring some moral support?
September 20th, 2007 at 12:30 am
OH NO! I have positive thoughts that you will not go to jail because well, you can’t be in jail when I am in town.
Is it acceptable to say this is totally something that would happen to Patty? I don’t think it ever has, but it just sounds like a Patty story.
But, um, what were you doing to get carded in the first place?
September 20th, 2007 at 1:57 am
Wow, sorry to hear about this — hope everything works out. Perhaps you can avoid the jail time by agreeing to check into Rehab for a month or two. I hear there’s some fine clinics in Italy and southern France.
September 20th, 2007 at 5:03 am
Well if Nicole Richie can get a matter of hours for a DUI am confident you will not get more than a “tour” of the jail. I mean you are almost as famous as her, right? Maybe you should get pregnant. It worked for her!
September 20th, 2007 at 6:17 am
Oh my god. All that, and all you do is give him paper cuts and stubbed toes? I think he deserves at least a broken elbow.
Don’t worry. You’re not going to jail. But if you were, is jail so bad? You can’t be arrested when you’re in jail. You don’t have to pay rent or utilities. You don’t have to cook, and you don’t have to renew expired licenses. You can read books all goddamned day long if you want, and you can finally devote copious time to your exercise regimen and get nicely defined triceps.
See? It’s all a matter of perspective. (But you’re not going to jail.)
September 20th, 2007 at 6:26 am
I don’t want to say this goes back to the CIA post, but ummm.
Seriously, what an awful day! At least you have a um good…err sarcastic attitude about it?
September 20th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Holy hell. I’ll add this to my list of things to be unnecessarily paranoid about. (Will you make me a custom license plate in the jail’s workshop? Pretty please?)
September 20th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Oooh. That’s bad. I just checked my license, and it doesn’t expire until 2012. So I think I have some time.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Just tell me where to mail the cake, and be sure to send the voodoo doll to someone else while you’re in the pokey. Or maybe it’d be better to have it with you. I dunno – the doll might be good to have: “Back off wench! I have a voodoo doll!”
But seriously, I’m sure it’ll be on the end of fines and silly court dates instead of jail time. Just be sure to look contrite and say a lot of “yes, Your Honor” “no, Your Honor” and “I’m very sorry, Your Honor.” If all else fails, a flash of a picture of Meeka and a well timed “but who will walk the doooooggg?” should do it.
September 20th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Sean has some pretty cool leftover Navy uniforms if you DO get sent to jail. They look just like prison jumpsuits, the kind the inmates wear when working in the prison auto shop, welding and such. I’m sure he’ll let you borrow them, if you don’t mind having SLINSKY embroidered on your ass.
September 20th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Good to know! My license expires two weeks after I move to San Francisco, so now I have motivation to brave the DMV sooner rather than later…
September 20th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
If we let people drive with expired licenses, the terrorists win. It’s that simple.
September 21st, 2007 at 8:46 am
When Jeff was at Ft. Gordon, shortly after we moved to GA, I didn’t REALIZE my DL was expired. In fact, I didn’t realize it until it was 6 months expired. I passed through the gates at the post and was pulled over and told I had to find someone to come and get me and my three kids and drive us home because my van was CONFISCATED.
That entailed a ton of crying – especially as I was going to the post hospital for a freakin’ breast biopsy.
I’m sure they hear many excuses at the gates, but I bet breast biopsy was new.
And still, those stinkin’ soldiers would not budge.
Admittedly, it was only months after 911, but STILL!
September 21st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Pamsterish: Apparently I look like a hooligan. One who must be taken off the streets. I suspect that blue hair would only enhance the effect.
Nora: My car registration was expired too. It shouldn’t have been, because I sent in the money and the form and got the smog check done, but somehow the pieces never coalesced and my stickers didn’t get sent to me. Bastards.
Teej: You’re so right. I’m going to flush the voodoo doll down the toilet now. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, COPPER?
Leah: Just keep all your paperwork in your glove box and the cops will stay off your trail. Or if that fails, throw some post-it notes in their face and run away.
NBB: I bet I’d look smashing in a Navy uniform. Perhaps it would also make me look fierce. If you’re in jail, you should look fierce.
Suebob: I think that when you can go to jail for being lazy, the terrorists don’t even need to win.
September 21st, 2007 at 4:48 pm
I know it’s awful that it happened to you but do you have to make it sound so funny? I mean, I’m sure that’s the point of your writing and whatnot but… well, I just laugh at you.
And thanks for reminding me about my insurance. Gotta pay that, don’t I?
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:24 pm
“I think that when you can go to jail for being lazy, the terrorists don’t even need to win.”
But isn’t that basically why most people go to jail? I suspect that most people kill their spouses because divorce entails far too much paperwork, for instance. THINK ABOUT IT.
September 24th, 2007 at 11:24 am
If it makes you feel any better I have a court date tonight. Add me to your street gang list.
September 26th, 2007 at 8:45 am
[...] Scones make me happy. Scones call to mind drizzly days, Earl Grey tea, and Jane Austen novels. (Which, to some of you, might more closely resemble the bowels of a fiery hell. Jane Austen has that affect on some people. But I bet you wouldn’t turn down a nice, fresh scone piled with cream and jam, WOULD YOU?) What scones don’t remind me of is jail. There are no scones in jail. Yes, last week had me ripping my hair out in small, tuft-y chunks. So I baked things. It’s a healthy reaction to stress and one I recommend, especially if you don’t want to be completely bald. I also recommend baking chocolate chip scones and then eating all the chocolate chips, leaving the bready bits of a ravaged scone behind. Pastry carnage, it soothes the soul. [...]
September 27th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
I drove with an expired license for two weeks. But no one can prove it. Also, I drove like a grandma.
September 28th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I’m driving an unregistered car right now… So your story, it strikes the fear in my heart. Off to emissions first thing Monday! Then DMV! Now I’m sort of freaking out about the car, to be honest with you.
Anway, I hope your court date goes well. And if you end up arrested, I’ll bake you a nail file cake. Chocolate would be best, I think.
September 13th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Thanks much for this informational post.