Comments on: Caligula Urp

By: rowena

rowena — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 21:35:41 +0000

We aren’t married, although we have two kids in two years. We had talked about it, before I got pregnant, but sometimes fate jumps the gun. Then baby one and baby two took over the priorities. They both have his last name but my last name as a second middle name. Bulky, but less so than a six syllable hyphenate.

On one hand, I don’t think being married or not really should make a difference, it’s just a legality, right? But on the other hand, I think it just _does_ make a difference on some deep subconscious level. He has called me his wife for years, but I won’t call him my husband. It just doesn’t feel right without that for-real marriage. And without that for-real marriage, somewhere in the back of my head, there’s that little thought that I could just leave if it comes down to it.

He just asked me to marry him for the first time, not in a “when we get married” kind of statement but the actual question, and now I feel like I can call him my fiancee. It feels odd, it feels different, just that little change.
I hate that whole huge princess wedding thing, and will probably just have one of those backyard barbecue weddings… but I do have to say, one of the reasons to have a wedding is to get cool kitchen stuff. Does that make me a bad person?

By: Chanelbaby

Chanelbaby — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:27:57 +0000

I am such a scaredy-cat that I have waited a week to post my comment on this trail here — hopefully Moose you are the only one who reads it. But I have to say, all the feedback you are getting is WONDERFUL. It is so true that all children need to know is that their parents love and respect each other. I think they could give a flying zweiback about anything else. Also, heart, gut, whatever you call it, listen to your own voice and encourage Mr. Moose to do the same. Maybe the whole “disrupting the dominant paradigm” thing is a very convincing (to him) cover for fear or any other number of totally normal emotions. Honestly the best advice anyone ever gave me was to work really hard at being clear, clear about what you want and how you feel. And paying attention when friends/lovers/parents are being clear with you (about what THEY want and how THEY feel). I find that so much gets resolved that way — not so much in terms of “getting one’s way” but in terms of understanding.

By: kerrianne

kerrianne — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 00:31:58 +0000

I love this idea, and the conversation thread. I don’t think I have anything particularly “new” to add to the discussion, except she could be called “Cali.” Which is sort of pretty, I think. The “Urp” is still awesomely ridiculous beyond repair. ; )

By: tanya

tanya — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 05:50:20 +0000

My friends and I like to play The Stallone Game. Since Sylvester is like one of the goofiest names ever, and it is strangely the name of one of the like manliest tough guys on screen, we just play with whatever names we could that would be worse than Sylvester. Bob Stallone is a pretty funny name, but at the moment I’m favoring Pontius Stallone. It’s not even close to the ridiculous beauty of Caligula Urp, but it’s a fun game. Good luck with this baby/marriage stuff, btw.

By: bohemiangirl

bohemiangirl — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 15:37:31 +0000

I’ve always thought an offbeat ‘love ceremony’ would be nice (says the hippie in me) and then you could always sign that little piece of paper to help with the legalities of having a child. But hey, don’t listen to me. I’ve been with the same guy for 12 years and we still haven’t taken the plunge and we don’t know if we want to have children. I just want an excuse to have a big ass party with all my friends. Ha ha.

By: Alyce

Alyce — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:10:21 +0000

While you wouldn’t think it from the above, I am a fan of subject-verb agreement so consider that first sentence to read:

If I wanted to be married but dreaded the… wedding, then I wouldn’t have one.

By: Alyce

Alyce — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:06:21 +0000

If I wanted to be married but dreaded the planning and cost and stress of a wedding, then don’t have one. Do what S did, or just head down to city hall. As much as I loved our wedding, it wasn’t some big deal for me in the moment saying the I DOs. I felt married (with big denouement preceded by the Law & Order DUN DUNs) on two occasions: 1) the first time I referred to JB as ‘my husband’ – I actually teared up a little bit, and 2) when I went out for dinner with an ex-gf and her partner and when introducing me she said “she’s married (long pause) to a MAN.”

I think the biggest issue to be sorted out is what do you want. And then asking seriously whether or not you will both be happy with whatever it is you choose. Is the important thing the relationship commitment and you don’t really care if you get married? Or do you need both relationship and marriage?

And I vote for the Pirates, definitely! JB and I almost chose Hilton as it combined letters from both of our last names (this was pre-Paris, thank God we didn’t). We both hyphenated to MyLast-HisLast. Although I’m glad we did, I wonder what the next generation will do. What if our hypothetical hyphenate married some other hyphenate. 4 last names? That is crazy talk! Pirates is the way to go. Definitely.

By: Heather B.

Heather B. — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:27:04 +0000

Strangely enough, I too am thinking of children sans marriage. For long and complicated reasons including my parents untimely divorce and subsequent issues. Also because my mother felt the need to get married when she found out she was pregnant with me because “A child deserves a family.”

I wish you could have seen the ‘WTF??’ look on my face when she said that.

I’m not about to go on a diatribe about different types of families but I do believe that a ‘family’ doesn’t have to be what society deems to be the norm. That said, I’m gunning for adoption first and then biological.

And I’m nowhere near procreation, but I like to think ahead.

By: Jemima

Jemima — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:41:46 +0000

I agree with WhyIOughta: “Kids don’t need married parents, they just need parents who can model love and respect.”

That being said, if you feel like marriage is a symbol of your love and respect for each other, then I think your partner should value that. Both mine and Simons’ parents are still happily married after over 40 years, so that may have altered our views. We’re big fans of it and take a great delight in calling each other Husband! or Wife!

Sure, there are tons of reasons why it’s a weird institution and damn the man and social pressure, and all that. But those reasons not to have nothing to do with the heart. You can’t argue with the heart.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 01:22:19 +0000

Hi! I just found your blog today after seeing so many hilarious photos of you with some of my favourite bloggers at BlogHer and thought I’d take a look. You are hilarious! And smart! And witty!
Good luck with the baby naming. My husband and I fought over names for our child the entire nine months I was pregnant. Even when she was born I tried one last time to beg for the name I had my heart set on, but he refused, even thought I was all sweaty and exhausted from birthing his child from my loins.
As far as the marriage thing goes, I can imagine what a pickle you’re in. You can’t force him to get on the bus, and even if you did you’d feel horrible for the remainder of the ride. I have found contentment and peace in the commitment of marriage and hope you guys can find a happy medium.
First-time commenters aren’t supposed to ramble like this, are they? Gah.