I’m Also Thinking About World Peace
Posted by Moose on August 1st, 2007. Filed under: Daily.I was going to stop talking about BlogHer, but a question of profound importance has arisen. How are you protecting your stolen Bliss products? Do you have them in a safe with the cupcakes and birth certificates? Is there a special padlock I can buy?
I climbed into the shower yesterday and found it already occupied with someone who was reaching for my carefully hoarded Bliss shampoo. My arms flailed in slow motion, my feet scrabbled slowly on the floor of the tub and my lips flapped in the slow breeze as I shrieked “Noooo…” and careened into him, wrenching the tiny, precious bottle out of his unappreciative hand.
Seriously, people. Can you imagine? If I hadn’t been there, HE MIGHT HAVE USED IT. Half the reason I went to BlogHer was to stuff my carry-on with soapy sap and body butter with that pleasant hint of lemon sage.
(I also went to display my killer dance moves, but then I met Emily, Chirky and Kerflop and was utterly humbled. I was all prepared to strut out and dazzle with impunity until I caught sight of the running man in all its DJ Jazzy Jeff glory and was reduced to yelling, “No, wait. What are you doing? TEACH ME, OH GRACEFUL ONES.” The secret is cranberry juice.)
Not to say that no one in this house is worthy of the Bliss products but me (I’m sure the dog would look especially fetching after being doused in lemony conditioning rinse), but they really should be reserved for those who worship the product, not those who are perfectly content using bar soup as a shampoo. And Sarcastic Journalist wanted to pet my hair, which means I need to use the Bliss FOREVER. Flatter mine vanity and I am thine. (Did Elizabethan playwrights just make up grammar as they went, or is that my own special problem?)
Metalia and Whoorl have some of the shiniest hair I’ve ever seen on a real human being (aside from Holly, who is her own special brand of glow), which means they either used the Bliss bottles or they made a pact with Satan for a lifetime supply of freshly shed unicorn tears. It must be the Bliss, because both Metalia and Whoorl are too damn nice to make baby unicorns cry. Unlike me. “It will give me shiny hair, you say? CRY, BABY UNICORNS! CRY!”
I’m sitting here stroking my own legs at the computer. This would be worrisome, except my shins are so soft right now it would be a crime not to appreciate them. As they usually resemble the bastard love child of a snake and a dehydrated crocodile, I’m about ready to email Leah in a panic and offer a half eaten loaf of chocolate chip banana bread for her cunningly gleaned eight tubes of Bliss body butter. Because my tube is almost gone.
Now there’s some REAL crying going on. Fitting retribution for the sobbing baby unicorns, I suppose.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:49 am
EIGHT tubes? Wow. I only have five. But one is quickly disappearing.
Also, chocolate chip banana bread? Why did that never occur to me?
August 1st, 2007 at 11:49 am
um… you do know they sell Bliss products at Sephora, right?
August 1st, 2007 at 11:52 am
And, while we’re at it, a Bliss San Francisco. Frankly, it can’t get any better than that.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:06 pm
did you guys get paid in something other than bliss products to talk this much about bliss products? Maybe I need to join the cult of Bliss.
(NOT brought to you by http://www.blissworld.com)
August 1st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Youcannothavethemfortheyaremine!
August 1st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Huh – I feel like I’m being slowly indoctrinated into the Cult of Bliss. Lemon sage, you say?
August 1st, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Oh good god! I don’t know who would be more upset if he had actually used the Bliss product, you or Mr. Moose. I’m totally picturing it…except for the being naked in the shower part. Tell Mr. Moose I’m not picturing that. I promise.
By the way, does your computer have a microphone? I chatted with E the other day and it was clear as crystal! Better and cheaper than a phone call, actually.
Glad to see you rocked the party in Chicago!
August 1st, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Clearly, I need to investigate the little bottles of Bliss I swiped. I had no idea they held so much power.
CRANBERRY JUICE!
August 1st, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Chirky: I will send you the recipe. It is delicious and guaranteed to replenish all calories used in that wasteful dancing.
B2Be: Sadly, yes. I am all too aware of Sephora and its magical, life-altering properties. My credit card balance has explained it to me in a very firm tone. (Hence, I am not allowed to replenish my Bliss stock until I make some money with the freelance writing. Anyone need a freelance writer? Anyone?)
Catwalker: You must join the cult immediately. Mention my name. I get freebies for new inductees.
Leah: For the sake of our fledgling friendship, I will abstain. But in a few months, when everyone’s all comfortable, LOOK OUT!
Jhianna: Same goes. Freebies for me!
Kerflop: They make you fly.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Nice try, attempting to get me to give up my shiny hair secrets. I’ll never tell! NEVAH! (Thank you, by the way.)
August 1st, 2007 at 6:35 pm
My own special brand of glow? What are you IMPLYING? That I was SWEATY?
(Also, I took so much Bliss stuff from the housekeeping cart that I had to fill an entire SECOND quart-sized Ziploc bag and then I got into trouble at the airport, because if there’s one thing terrorists have it’s VERY SMALL BOTTLES OF SOAPY SOAP.)
(ALSO also: every time I use the Soapy Soap in the shower, I think of the scene in Anchorman where Will Ferrell goes “Scotchy scotchy scotch. I love scotch. Here it goes, down into my belly.”)
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:52 am
The fact that I barely even noticed when Kerflop shoved all our bliss products into her bag (after asking me if I wanted them first, of course) makes me want to cry my own version of unicorn tears.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:07 am
…lifetime supply of freshly shed unicorn tears… bwahaha. Never heard of Bliss products but I’m thinking that may be a good thing because I don’t know what I’m missing. Right?
August 18th, 2007 at 7:06 am
Hey…Moose! I met you waiting for the shuttle at BlogHer and then promptly forgot the name of your blog. But. I saw your picture at OMSH, wrote Heather and asked for your URL and now I’m here and happy! And you’re a little creeped out!
This post was hilarious. Glad I found you, I’ll be back!
August 29th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
MOOSE! I have been sitting here, waiting, for like WEEKS AND WEEKS for you to post something, anything!
I just figured you were on an extended vacation, but NO! Google Reader totally sucks and didn’t update me! (Note to self: Don’t be lazy and rely on Google Reader.)
Anyway, here I am! I missed you! Now, I must catch up on the last several weeks of your life.