Demonstrating the Social Skills of a Five-Year-Old Who’s Just Been Denied a Twinkie
Posted by Moose on July 31st, 2007. Filed under: Friends.I have to admit, I was nervous about BlogHer. I come from a long line of hermits, hermits who sit in log cabins in the wilderness spit polishing the shotgun just in case that bastard squirrel from the next county strays into the vegetable patch again.
Fine, it’s only my dad who polishes his shotgun in a log cabin, not some long distinguished lineage, and it’s not so much a shotgun as it is a pipe. Knowing my mother reads this blog really kills the flow of my stories.
Anyway, I usually do fairly well in social situations so long as I give myself pep talks of the Jack Handey variety before walking through the door and take time out of the festivities to quiver in a corner. When home, I collapse on my handy fainting couch and call feebly for my smelling salts. Knowing the work that goes into a three hour party, a three day extravaganza of over-stimulation was daunting. But brave pioneer that I am, I refused to be daunted. There were people to meet, cocktails to drink, Bliss products to steal, boobs to grab, and seminars to ignore. So I painted my toenails, packed my fanciest flip flops, and boarded a plane to Chicago.
May I just say, you all were WELL WORTH abandoning my smelling salts.
By Saturday evening, I was feeling smug about my mastery of the social whirl that was BlogHer. I cackled like a crazed muppet! I tossed back cubes of cheese with abandon! I scared bloggers with my interpretive dance moves! I … began crying for no apparent reason. Yes, after days of drinking and not sleeping and perhaps a wee bit of meeting awesome people overload, I crumbled like the gun-toting, squirrel-shooting, cabin-dwelling hermit that I could have been, were it not for my parents’ decision to move to suburbia.
Do gun-toting, squirrel-shooting hermits cry? No? Damn it.
If I’m not known as The Girl Who Started Bawling In the Middle of the Cocktail Party, it’s through no fault of my own. But here is where the true merit of bloggers everywhere emerges, and the cockles of my cold, blackened heart warm. Thanks to the lovely Chris who sat with me while I sniffled into the hem of my skirt, to Schnozz for hiding under the stairs with me and plying me with stories that may have included a childhood pet and the eating thereof (maybe), to my worm companions for understanding when I abandoned dinner plans, and to HeatherB for coming to check up on me.
Dear people I met in Chicago,
Please move to San Francisco. Immediately. Yes, all of you.
Love, Moose
(Here are my flickr photos, which only contain the first night and that only because someone grabbed my camera and put it to the use for which it was intended – instead of using it as an expensive paper weight, which is what I do. Here are photos I stole from everyone else.)
July 31st, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Oh, believe me. We’re ALL trying to get to SF as quickly as possible. Like, NOW. I hope.
July 31st, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Wait. There were CUBES OF CHEESE?! Where was I?
July 31st, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Being denied a Twinkie is a serious offense where this gal comes from. (More log cabins.) I’m glad it was a success! Y’all are making me regret not selling my right kidney to buy a ticket. I mean, really. I only need one.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:37 am
I totally thought you were going to say “That bitch, HB, ran away for more wine in my hour of need”. But this is good and I AM coming to SF very soon actually. So we can embrace and eat cheese cubes together then.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:15 am
OMgoodness, you are hilarious. I think it was Tea who turned me on to your blog and you crack me up.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:29 am
Yes, there were CUBES OF CHEESE, although Moose and I spent most of the night chasing down the poor man carrying them — as such, he vanished after an hour or so, lest we start arguing over the last jalapeno-studded one.
Also, dude, what about your friends IN San Francisco! I’m already here! What am I, chopped liver? (Ew, that would go badly with cubes of cheese.)
August 1st, 2007 at 11:37 am
I am so glad that everyone properly appreciates the cheese cubes.
Chirky, you must move to SF immediately. We can practice the worm together.
HB, hooray! We will huddle over our cocktails and plate of cheese and plot a hijack of the Cowgirl Creamery truck. (From whence the best cheese comes.)
Holly, you still need to move. You need to move CLOSER. You\’re entire neighborhoods removed. I need you a block away so I can show up at your doorstep and demand cookies while putting up my feet and taking control of the remote…. Oops. Now you\’ve left the state entirely.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Wow. Holly is too far away, and she’s even in the city? Leah and I have no hope whatsoever, seein’s as we’re all the way on the other side of the the Bay Bridge (known to City Folk as the Impenetrable Barrier).
-Simon.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I think the exact quote from HeatherB was, “Well… good luck with that.”
Don’t be surprised if I show up suddenly one day at your door.
August 19th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
i missed the crying? man, i’m ALL ABOUT the crying in public. usually over spilt alcohol, etc.
you missed my near meltdown (crying episode) saturday evening.
before the walk through all of chicago and pizza.