Moose in the Kitchen

Without further ado, I present to you the winners of the Where’s Moose contest. Please control your excitement. Really, that violent weeping is unbecoming in a woman your age. It’s also a little startling in a man wearing a top hat. Actually, the only person who’s allowed to weep violently around here is me. Anyway. To the winners of the contest! Because I like you and want to give you things. Specifically, things to eat. I know that your mother probably warned you not to accept treats from strange people on the internet, but your mother would like me. Really. Mothers do. So there’s no reason for alarm.

I said “without further ado”, didn’t I? Obviously, I lied.

Contest Number One

Answers: Rome, in general. In specific:

Photo 1: The Coliseum. That melifluous sound you hear is the internet yelling “DUH!” It also inspired Master Crunchy to exclaim, “The Coliseum? Come ON!” before insisting that I photograph the moose on top of a dumpster behind London’s National Gallery and make contestants guess the museum based on the size of the trash heaps.

Photo 2: St. Peter’s Basilica. I also accept the Vatican, because, truth be told, I had no idea the dome was called St. Peter’s. Which lands me smack at the top of the list of People Who Don’t Deserve To Go To Italy. Also on that list are Barney the purple dinosaur, my roommate from sophomore year, and Hitler.

Photo 3: Roman Forum. If you’re in the market for Old Buildings, this is the place for you. I was tempted to tie the moose to my head to protect my tender skull from breakage when one of the pillars tipped over, as will inevitably happen when one is roaming amongst 2,000 year old buildings. I was hoping that if a pillar did fall, it would do so on one of the really loud Tennesseans. Not actually on them, just near enough to startle them into silence. Because I am an asshole. You heard it here first.

Prize: Bottle number 8 of the limoncello. Bottle number 8 is a special bottle. Very lemony. Also very potent.

Winner: Tonje, by a landslide of tourist attraction accuracy. I actually went and checked Tonje’s answers before posting, because she knows more about my trip than I do.

Honorable Mention: Nic – Netherlands delurking! And I approve of the lion eating image.

Contest Number Two

Answers: Amalfi Coast, in general. In specific:

Photos 1 and 2: Um, Amalfi Coast. Because I have no idea where the first picture was taken. But there were cliffs and the constant, niggling fear that those nets holding together the mountain above your head would choose that moment to develop a boulder-size hole.

Photo 3: (Unspecified Temple in) Paestum, a place I remember mainly for its tasty mozzarella pizza.

Prize: Bottle number 4 of limoncello. Bottle number 4 is really quite similar to bottle number 8. But since limoncello is a main export of the Amalfi coast (the Amalfi mountains are covered in fragrant lemon trees and drunk tourists), the prize is quite appropriate for this particular contest. Unlike the Rome contest, where a more fitting prize would have been offal, the Roman specialty. Lucky for you, customs wouldn’t let the cow liver through.

Winner: Christina, first commenter and first person to successfully name Paestum. Leading me to realize that I was vastly underestimating you all with that picture of the Coliseum.

Contest Number Three

Answers: Tuscany, in general. In specific:

Photo 1: Council Chamber of Siena. I had to look that up, by the way. I was going to fake it by saying “that clock tower thingie in Siena”, but that just seemed…wrong.

Photo 2: Duomo of Siena. Everything a duomo should be. Where “everything” equals “gaudy”. I wanted a picture of the moose in a confessional. I lacked the chutzpah required to break the implicit contract between me and the signs that said “no pictures” and “no placing of stuffed animals in the confessionals, you graceless heathen”.

Photo 3: Chianti, it’s not just a bottle of cheap red wine wearing straw pants!

Prize: Fancy-shmancy Tuscan olive oil. Which reminds me that I forgot to buy some for myself. Oops.

Winner: Jhianna, who totally scored by guessing the Siena Duomo. And who already has a very warm place in my heart for her faithful commenting. Yes, I am a comment whore. I feel the need to declare that, just in case my habit of bribing the internet with chocolate hadn’t tipped you off.

Contest Number Four

Answers: London, in general. In specific:

Photo 1: Moose with mousse in Hyde Park, wherein I realize there is no turning back. I am my father, and must embrace the horrific puns as my own.

Photo 2: St. Paul’s Cathedral, from the window of a double-decker red bus. I could ride a London bus forever. Or at least for 20 minutes.

Photo 3: Big Ben. Captain Obvious reporting.

Prize: Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, because the average British chocolate is far superior to the average American. There were going to be three for you. Then two. Now we’re down to one, and you better send me your address fast.

Winner: R, who obviously used her superpowers to correctly identify London from a stretch of grass and two trees. And who would totally call me out if I try to pawn her off with a Snickers, after the last Cadbury bar met its untimely end. (I haven’t eaten it yet. But it calls to me. Plaintively.)

~~~

Congratulations, all! If you don’t feel too squirrely about accepting edible prizes from a random stranger who would need a mailing address, email me at mooseinthekitchen@gmail.com. But if this strikes fear into your gentle heart, I totally understand and will be happy to write you a personalized Haiku instead – while gleefully eating your treat.

Thank you all for playing. That you were willing to humor me in my madness fills the cockles of my charred and dusty heart.

Related posts:

1. New Moose Contest!
2. Where’s the Moose?
3. The Moose is Getting Mangy
4. I Left My Moose in San Francisco [Now with Helpful Edit!]
5. I am a Zapf Dingbat