Your thoughts for my brother were much appreciated. Thank you. Now may be the time to mention that I pushed him into the sharp edge of the heater when we were kids. My punishment was watching him get his head stitched up in the emergency room. Parents of siblings, take heart! Even if your offspring [...]
Yesterday, the Angora Fire jumped the containment line. About 2,000 more people were evacuated and there are fears that the fire could jump Highway 89 to a more densely populated section of Lake Tahoe. When my brother was shipped out on Sunday, there were about 700 firemen. As of yesterday, there are 1,900. Apparently, there’s [...]
I don’t read newspapers. Because I am a delicate, fainting flower who just can’t handle bad things happening. To myself or anyone else. Sadly, this does not mean I’m good at sympathy. If you call me up sobbing that your rabbit has fallen out of the top story of his rabbit condo and broken his [...]
Chex Mix Bold Party Blend? Is crack. For weeks (or maybe just minutes, that’s how crack-like this stuff is) my dealer was on strike. Meaning Safeway inexplicably stopped carrying it. I was about two days away from concocting my own blend of cumin, garlic powder, and MSG and injecting in straight into my veins via [...]
On Friday, the stove was delivered. On Saturday, it got hooked up and we learned that, with a flick of the wrist, we could set someone’s head on fire. On Sunday, we had a breakfast party where we served mimosas (orange juice optional) because heads go up in flames faster if they’re doused in alcohol. [...]
Every time I read about someone’s experience with kids, my stomach travels up my esophagus to fill my throat and I hear the faint echo of someone laughing at me. I think that someone is my mother and I think she’s remembering every single day between 1978 and 1983. Something about Italy makes children seem [...]
People tend to assume there’s something between “moving in together” and “having kids.” People like my mother. When we mentioned that maybe children were on the horizon, in what was the most unexciting, non-announcement ever: “Hey! We’re thinking about kids! But not right away! So the earliest you might have a grandchild is, like, fall [...]
My favorite vacation activity is to loudly announce, “I should be at work right now!” at the dinner table before cackling and snorting wine out my nose while the waitress hovers uncomfortably in the background, wondering if it’s safe to approach or if something else is planning to fly out of my nasal passage and [...]
I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I’d rather skydive naked from the roof of the Transamerica Building than do what I had planned for that morning. “But I can’t exercise,” I stated matter-of-factly (where stated matter-of-factly = whined piteously). “I have a hangover.” An eyebrow rose. “Any port in a storm, eh?” Hmph. I [...]
“How about this?” “I don’t think that’s really our style.” “I like that we have an ‘our style’.” “Yeah. It means we don’t have to fight bitterly all the way through the store.”
