I kid. There is no tolerance for prosecco here. But when you consume bottles with dinner on a fairly regular basis, it seems reasonable to assume that I will return home able to drink under the table, if not a hardened booze hound, at least the 15 year old across the street. When I decided [...]
I have, at last count, six mosquito bites. I am happy. Why am I happy about mosquito bites? Because they are ITALIAN mosquito bites. Italian mosquitos wear large sunglasses with the Chanel logo tactfully emblazoned in rhinestones. Italian mosquitos treat road signs as mere suggestion. Italian mosquitos are clearly superior to their more sedate American [...]
Number of bottles of wine drunk: 4 Number of gelato scoops consumed: 8 Number of mozzarella di bufula hunks shoved down my craw: Lost count after number 10. Number of strange looks received when whipping out a stuffed moose and posing it in front of some venerable Italian monument: 17 If anyone would care to [...]
Hello, my friends! I leave for Italy in less than an hour. We’ve packed the bags, shuffled the dog off to the neighbors, obtained the many snacks necessary for a long flight, retrieved the dog by hopping over the fence and lifting her over to spend the last 20 minutes with us (she was peering [...]
When I was a youngster of 12, not like now when I merely look 12, my family went camping. I have since learned that this camping we did was fake camping, that camping as real men do it involves stripping naked, strapping a machete to your bare hip and hiking out into the wilderness to [...]
Everyone who works with me thinks I’m a burlesque dancer. I’ve never danced burlesque in my life – and not just because I can’t take off a sweater without tangling up the arms and strait-jacketing myself. I’ve never corrected my fellow employees because, well, it’s funny. Just this afternoon, the deputy director cleared all the [...]
1. How is it possible for a woman’s mascara to remain unsmudged as she drowns in a Venetian canal? 2. How do you always have the exact piece of technology you need at the exact time you need it, yet you’re never wearing a tool belt or dragging a rolling suitcase stuffed with tracking devices [...]
Have any of you quit a job without knowing if you would have another one? Ever again? I’ve been the associate editor of a small magazine for five years. A few months ago, I decided it was time to move on. Possibly into unemployment. Once this decision was made, I frantically started saving money because [...]
After several years, a new foundation, a new frame and an electricity rewire, our house passed final inspection today. I had nothing to do with any of this. All I did was note that I didn’t like the shade of yellow in the kitchen and could we repaint it please? Translation: You repaint it while [...]
Turning off Valencia Street after dinner, we passed a small grocery store. One of the worker’s leaves his small pug tied up next to the door, presumably so the dog can people watch and perfect his Spanish grammar. I’ve seen this dog before and he was very enthusiastic about receiving pets. Leaning down to pet [...]
