When your suggestion, “If we do ever get married? Let’s wait until I’m eight months pregnant, put me in a long white dress and give my dad a shotgun to bring to the ceremony!” is met with hysterical floor-pounding laughter, complimentary reflections on your total lack of good taste, and agreement.
Not Immediately Problematic: Renaming (in ink) the chapter in your Italian book entitled “Personal Relations.” Asshole: With any luck, when you resell the book back to Green Apple, they won’t notice the section now called “How to Pick up a Hooker.” N.I.P.: After repeated tries, you still can’t pronounce “San Gimignano”. A: Feel almost no [...]
What are the social implications of being able to indulge (virtually) every whim at approximately the same time that whim enters your head? I’m referring to food here, for you Google surfers who are unaware that my stomach and the filling thereof is really the only thing that interests me. (Those seeking “crochet image of [...]
Our next door neighbor, the man who adores our dog and watches her when we’re away, was on an episode of Mythbusters a few weeks ago. I think he was explaining canvas. I’m not sure how much explanation canvas really needs, but I should probably shut my trap. Since I’m not an authority on anything [...]
When the guy across from me at dinner last Wednesday mentioned practicing his capuccino for the Western Regionals, I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. Barista competitions are serious business, my coffee-loving friends. You have to make two perfect espresso drinks and present your own coffee creation, properly described to the judges as containing hints [...]
I dyed my hair white blonde a month ago. Saturday, I went to my aunt’s salon in Half Moon Bay because hair grows, and when it grows it does so in a different color. I came out with orange roots and blue-tinged fringe. We’ve decided to call it a work in progress. My ill-fated hair [...]
I applied for a side job writing a column for a small indie magazine. After making some nice comments about my writing and gearing up for the inevitable thanks but no thanks, they hit it home: “We need someone a lot more flippant and drag-queeney in their perspective than you appear to be.” I’m sorry [...]
Hair was the world’s first rock musical, so I guess you have it to blame for Jesus Christ Superstar. This is [one of the many reasons] why I get in trouble at work. Speaking of work, my boss has a request for you. We hope the internet knows more than we do, because neither of [...]
Last week, I took a vacation. Not a real vacation, one where scantily clad cabana boys bring drinks with little umbrellas and compliment me on my pedicure, or even an “I didn’t go to work this week” vacation. It was more a pronounced episode of laziness. As in, I Am Officially Abdicating All Responsibility For [...]
