Moose in the Kitchen

I made Coq au Vin and corn muffins for dinner last night. Coq au Vin means Chicken in Wine, something I wouldn’t know had the kind people of Cook’s Illustrated not explained it to me. Coq au Vin sounds like a fancy sex toy, which officially makes this recipe illegal in Alabama.

Here’s how you know when you’re living with a very unusual specimen. A man who, when presented with a plate full of chicken and bacon simmered in wine and dumped on garlic mashed potatoes with a side of corn muffins, yells* “Where the hell are the vegetables?”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHERE ARE THE VEGETABLES? CORN MUFFINS ARE A VEGETABLE! Now shut up and eat.

Really. What sane individual doesn’t sit down to a plate full of meat and potatoes, meat and potatoes smothered in alcohol, and think “Thank god I don’t have to deal with any leafy greens this evening.” It can’t be just me. (Can it?)

Anyone who’s learning to cook, you need go no further than Cook’s Illustrated. Seriously. Space shuttles have gone into orbit with less extensive testing than Cook’s Illustrated gives a chicken recipe. And every recipe comes with a handy two-page description of how they got there and what shallots look like, complete with informational drawings. None of this “one bottle of red wine” bullshit in the ingredients. They actually tell you what kind of red wine to buy, which, if you’re anything like me, is a blessing on par with the invention of television when you’re staring at the rows and rows of red wine, none of which seem to be labelled “I’m the wine you need.”

Our Lady of the Corn Muffins baked seven different variations just to get to her starting point. State laws have been passed with less reflection than that. Then she baked batch after batch after batch, refining her recipe to get just the corn muffine she wanted. Each batch was tasted and mulled over by colleagues. I want to work in that office, let me tell you.

I am occasionally frustrated by other cookbooks (::cough::Nigella Lawson::cough::) and their vague instructions to let it “simmer for awhile.” What do you mean, “awhile”? I need minutes and seconds! I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND, NIGELLA!

Suffice it to say, every recipe in Cook’s Illustrated is perfect and makes me look mad brilliant at the dinner preparation. Even if I have to use every single dish in the kitchen, including the small unidentifiable metal thing that’s been rusting in the back corner of a drawer. Handy for prying the lid off tomato paste. And for bopping people who demand vegetables over the head.

~~~

*There wasn’t really any yelling. Or expletives. The story just sounds so much more dramatic that way.