Squirrels, I Rebuke Thee
Posted by Moose on February 27th, 2007. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I am trying to calm the squirrels of my mind. My brain squirrels race around on a little wheel (stolen from a hamster, I guess) and talk to each other incessantly. Incessant with the talking. I never knew how noisy squirrels could be. Or how sharp their little toe nails are when they’re digging into your frontal lobe.
What with the squirrel chatter and the sharp toes, I’m not getting much done. So I have decided that the squirrels need to go. Or at least form two orderly lines and march along quietly, speaking only when spoken to. My brain shall be a fascist regime of woodland creatures.
(What’s up with the animal metaphors lately? This new, disturbing trend brought to you by the Wild Kingdom.)
Squelching the squirrels is proving harder than I thought. I tried yelling at them, but they just laughed at me and threw nuts. I tried to drown them in cookie batter but they liked it and asked for more. I tried to silence them with TV, but watching Scrubs at work is frowned on. Plus, lugging the TV set around all the time makes my arms sore. Suffice it to say, the squirrels and I have been raging an epic battle that makes the flesh-eating orcs in the second Lord of the Rings look like toddlers arguing over playdoh.
So. Two options are left: spirituality or heavy drugs.
Since I’m cheap, I decided spirituality was the way to go. Having purchased heavy drugs before for non-squirrel related issues, I know that they can do some damage to the chocolate fund. I praised my fiscal responsibility and dedication to well-being until I discovered the price of yoga classes ($16) and meditation pillows ($78). (No, I can’t just use a couch cushion. These pillows were breathed on by the dalai lama. At least, that’s the only justification for the price that I can think up.) I could have scored a month’s worth of the good stuff for two days worth of enlightenment. I stifled the capitalist tendencies that make me think, ‘If I spend money, I will get what I want.’ Hey, look! I’m more enlightened already! All it took was not buying a meditation pillow.
But, the yoga is everything I hoped for and more. I emerged on Sunday morning sore and full of spiritual righteousness. The instructor even fed my animal metaphor mania by urging, “Find your inner pigeon.”
Pigeons, I’ve discovered, are much quieter than squirrels. I’m on my way, people. Next step: learn to sit quietly on a couch cushion without letting my hand creep toward the remote control.
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March 1st, 2007 at 5:36 am
Ah, but the infernal cooing…The damn cooing.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:36 am
Yoga, really? I’ve been thinking I should try it. But if Scnozz is a large, then I don’t think they make yoga pants in my size. And now I need a meditation pillow too? Dangit.