I’m Sure There’s a Name For People Like Me
Posted by Moose on February 11th, 2007. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I’m trying to change my thinking. As many of us think nearly every day, habits become ingrained. I, for example, tend to be negative. But that’s not who I want to be. Occasionally cynical, yes. Darkly comic, of course. Downright buzz-killing each and every day, not so much.
Exhibit A: instead of scratching bitterly at the poison oak that currently decorates the inner wrist of my right hand and cursing all plantlife that currently exists on planet earth, I’m trying to put mild discomfort in perspective. Like, wouldn’t it be worse to be missing my wrist entirely? How inconvenient! Think of the children with no wrists! Appreciate your life! When this doesn’t work, I try thinking about how I got the poison oak. By petting a very sweet dog who loves me, who rolled in poison oak while happily romping in some brush. What a charming and heartwarming story.
Mission accomplished. Until I have another thought, which tends to be about three seconds later unless I’m heavily drugged. But I refuse to give up. I am nothing if not stubborn. Plus, I have a perpetually furrowed brow that will eventually turn into two ruts between my eyes and then I’ll be sorry.
I’m not doing too well, am I? Let’s scan up for a few choice words here. Bitterly, discomfort, inconvenient, heavily drugged. Hmmmm. Shouldn’t I be burping up unicorns right about now? With all my newfound positivity? Those habits, they are insidious. I was also going to stop subjecting you to my half-baked self-improvement plans and give you more anecdotes. More stories about monkeys in sidecars. No sidecars obliged me this weekend by carrying monkeys, but I’m sure I can think of something.
I’m not thinking of anything.
I’m still staring at the screen.
Blankly.
For like five whole minutes now.
This change thing is hard. No, wait! This change thing! It’s easy! It’s eminently achievable! I can do it! It just requires many exclamation points! And maybe a Nike swish!
….
Dude, my brain just exploded. Please excuse me while I clean up the mess.
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February 12th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Anecdotes are good. “Heavily drugged”, not so much. I mean, look at Anna Nicole Smith. Not a place you want to go. I’m sure something funny and upbeat will happen to you any moment now, possibly involving cookies. You’ll be a goal-achieving machine in no time.
I love the word “positivity”, btw. Even though it’s real word, it sounds like something our Fearless Leader would say. But still, I do not misunderestimate your ability to make the pie higher in your own life. Put food on your family! Be a pit bull on the pantleg of opportunity! Vulcanize society! Remember, the past is over, and we can all agree on that.
February 12th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Something funny, possibly involving cookies…Hmmm…the man at the post office insisted on calling the package contents addressed to you ‘biscuits’ on the customs label. “What’s in there?” “Cookies.” “Oh, you mean biscuits. What kind of biscuits can’t you get in America that you can get here?” “Um, the homemade kind.” “Airmail? Wow, those are some expensive biscuits.” See you’re loved! (No guarantees they’ll arrive in one piece. Or, at all. They’re in a Tesco Christmas lights box. ha! ha!)
February 12th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
My solution to this is usually to watch a documentary about swaths of people with lives infinitely more pain and struggle-filled than mine. These films are usually set in Africa. It works. For at an afternoon, which is pretty good. Those ruts you’re talkin’ about? I’m workin’ on a sweet pair.
February 13th, 2007 at 10:13 am
I’m currently stewing in some negativity sauce of my own, so I got nothing. Cookies! Cute Shoes! *grumbles about stupid snow and not being able to wear cute shoes when it’s like this* Er… Doggie!