Moose in the Kitchen

It has been statistically proven that I was smarter when I was 15. I was a font of calm wisdom. Friends came to me for advice. I was proclaimed “mature”. I had no idea what I was talking about. Around the time I started to get some real-world experience, my serenity – and my much-touted wisdom – wilted and died a dehydrated brown death, not unlike that rosemary bonsai tree that I killed in less than 52 hours a few years later. I’m sure that when I was 15 I was also an unrecognized horticulture master.

So now, at 28, these are the things that I try to remember. My record of actually remembering any of these items is drastically lower unless I have a post-it note on my forehead, am standing in front of a mirror, and suddenly able to read backwards. But still. I try.

Dear Self,

You know I love you, but come on. How many times? How many? Fine. But this is IT. You better remember these. Are you taking notes? I hope you’re taking notes, you know how you are. Good.

1. When you think the world is ending? It really is this time, cause this time really is worse than last time? Hey, guess what, IT’S NOT. It just feels that way. It may even look that way to the untrained eye. But you just need to take a big breath, remember to let it out, don’t go turning all purple again, it’s not a good look for you, and relax. Because tomorrow will probably be all sunny and there will be a coupon in the mail for a free mocha just to taunt you with how wrong you were. Again.

2. Figure out where the “z” key is on your keyboard already. You do this every time. Every single time. Though, admittedly, The Wizard of Ox is a far superior title.

3. Despite what you think, you do not have to be perfect for people to love you. You do have to try though, so don’t go getting all lazy.

4. You do deserve the things you want. You cringe even while writing this sentence because doesn’t that sound a little…self-centered? A little…entitled? A little…psycho? A lot of people want a lot of things and some of them aren’t exactly for the greater good of humanity. But you just want good relationships, to write a nice (read: brilliant and bestselling) novel, and maybe the ability to do a switch leap without falling on your face. No puppies will be harmed in the making of this novel, so have fun. But please be wary of letting constant repetition of this mantra degenerate into mumbling “I do deserve to find hand soap, I do deserve to find handsoap” while wandering aisles at the grocery store. This makes other people nervous.

5. Remember to stay positive. You don’t want to be so sunny that you make your fellow man want to gouge out his ear drum with a spork, but there’s a reason Eeyore has no self-esteem. And no friends. And one hell of a wet donkey odor problem. Constant gloom is no fun. Everyone else can just leave Eeyore’s rainy little orbit and go back to their happy, honey-munching little lives, but Eeyore is stuck. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE EEYORE.

6. Be a little more truthful. You’re a rotten liar. Really, don’t try it. You turn red and a large sign pops out the side of your neck to beep “She’s lying. She’s lying” on a green neon arrow pointing to your head. So yeah. Outright fibbing, not the problem. But self-deprecating humor and a willingness to accept everyone else’s opinion (especially when it comes to you) as notarized gospel can give people the wrong impression. P.S. You are an authority on very few things. I would venture to say, nothing. Except yourself. You are the absolute authority on you. So, while other people can often see things that you don’t, they aren’t always right. Especially when such blasphemy as “You know, your Kermit Dee Frog impression isn’t really all that great” crosses lips.

7. You’re good at reaching your goals. Every single real goal you’ve set for yourself has been accomplished, up to and including “eat 16 cookies in under four minutes.” So stick with that. Because there’s a pony stall in the backyard that’s looking a little lonely.

8. You have nice teeth. Remember to floss them.

(Meme started by the lovely Schnoxxfest.)

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