You People Are Smarter Than I Am. So, Help.
Posted by Moose on February 2nd, 2007. Filed under: Love.Self-help books will tell you that love and respect are a necessary foundation for strong relationships. Luckily, I don’t pay any attention to those books. I prefer titles like I’m Right and You’re Wrong, Rub My Feet and Fetch Me Cookies And I Won’t Start Screaming Again and If You Think I Have Faults You Must Not Love Me.
I’m fun.
Being the smart, charming, worldly people that you are, you may well imagine that these general attitudes will not get one very far as a mature adult in a mature relationship. If you’re a three-year-old throwing tantrums that mommy and daddy have to deal with because they would go to jail if they tossed you out the window of a speeding car, a fate you richly deserve – you’re golden. Otherwise, not so much.
This is not to say that everything is all my fault. It takes two, in spite of my general tendency to believe that I rule the world and my power is awesome and all-encompassing. Which means I hold the fate of my relationship – and the universe – in between my two chocolate smeared, and somewhat sweaty, palms. But, as I discovered when I attempted to call the White House to coach the president through some trying times, this is not the case.
It’s so, so easy to get mired in the he said/she said/I’m right/you’re wrong. With toddlers, this kind of argument only gets resolved when one enterprising small person whacks the other (often slower) small person in the head with a large blue dump truck. Then they get sent off for naps by the big people and everything’s dandy. Since whapping a partner on the head is more likely to land you behind bars than in bed having a nice nap, this solution no longer works. So what to do?
I’m thinking – and I could be wrong, it has been known to happen, though I know you don’t believe it – that I should concentrate on the positive overarching things like, say, love and respect. Rather than YOU SUCK. That was a summary, by the way.
My question: How do you all show love and respect in your relationships? Especially if (not naming any names here) one person is a word person (guess who!) and the other is more action-oriented. Which equates swept floors with love somehow. I still just want to hire a housekeeper. How can a disconnect of word vs. action, sensitive vs. blunt meld in joyous harmony that causes birds to chirp, angels to sing, and dogs to chill the fuck out? Poor dog. She gets so upset. She tries to prod us into being happy with her cold, wet nose. Much to her distress, it rarely works. Or maybe she just wants a kitty hunt. My attempts to teach her English have been unsuccessful, so I never know for sure.
Ideas? Stories? Thoughts? Maybe thoughts that don’t involve me sweeping the floor?
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February 2nd, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Liability Statement: I am by no means a relationship expert, as evidenced by my many failed relationships. But I am an emotional talker, who is with an action-oriented non-talker. So I feel you. But not with my hands, dude, because we both have boyfriends! Sheesh!
Mike and I have been in some arguments in which we both think we’re right. He usually pouts quietly, and I am the one that has to bring up the fight so we can apologize already and get it over with. When things have calmed down a bit, I say something like, “Why are we mad at each other right now? I need you to talk to me about this.” Then we both get a chance to talk about what is on our minds. I think it’s always important to say things like, “When (A) happens, it makes me feel (B).” I never assume that Mike knows why I’m angry or how I’m feeling. I know it seems elementary to spell things out, but misinterpretations are pretty common in arguments. A lot of times, that’s why we argue in the first place!
No one’s relationship is perfect by nature, and if they are then they’re lying.
Have a good weekend Moose!
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:31 pm
For the word person, saying I love you is easier.
For the action person, sweeping the floor is easier. So maybe love is for the word person to sweep the floor and the action person to say I love you. It could even be liberating! (Who am I to know whether this is true or not?) M. Scott Peck says that love is a verb, not a feeling. Let’s see: Any other ideas? Leave love notes; give an unexpected hug; tell the person how much you appreciate what she/he did; rub their back; say I’m sorry when you need to and mean it; scrub the toilet even when you don’t want to; give flowers; make a nice meal for the two of you; deeply listen; make passionate love; enjoy life together.
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:40 pm
MB got me into the concept of ‘enhancing the other one’s experience’ – which is kinda cool, it always keeps you in the frame of mind to consider how your own actions affect the other one. And the PRO housecleaning argument (he was into I was not – maybe i’m both actions and words) was that he didn’t like or care about making the house clean via his own labor but did want it clean, and I wanted it clean and like to clean, we continued with a housecleaner so that resentment wouldn’t build (because I did the lionshare of the cleaning) and it erased it as an issue. it’s a small amount to pay each month for guaranteed reduced resentment. plus now we have more time to sit in the same room on different computers and IM each other
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Oh yay! Relationship questions! I love these. First of all, read the book “The Five Love Languages.” It tells you how to deal with a partner that may speak a different love language than you. I would say, you are “Words of Affirmation” and he is “Acts of Service.”
Anyway, start there and call me in the morning.
As for me, well, you don’t want my personal experiences because I start arguments just because I’m bored and I feel it’s too quiet around here. Usually goes something like this “I need some yelling! Make some noise, damnit! Okay, I’m sorry, now shutup and let’s make out.” Very effective.
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I’m with the anonymous comment. Having been on the other side of the sweeping=love equation, I just needed my husband to sweep before all the stuff he said about loving me held any water. And he needed me to be say more lovey dovey stuff (apparently getting screamed at for not sweeping didn’t make him feel loved). We both just had to make the conscious effort to love each other the way we needed to be loved. And someone had to be the first to do it (it was him), but things quite naturally fell into step after that.
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I’m with Jeci. The first thing I thought was, “If sweeping means love to him, then SWEEP, woman!”
It’s kind of an unpleasant solution, but I have to admit it’s pretty logical. And if it cheers you, I do it myself. Every week, before Mr. S comes home, I clean the house. And I hate absolutely every minute of it. All two thousand of the minutes it takes me, because I drag my feet the ENTIRE. TIME.
But he loves it. He loves that he never asked me to do it, he loves that I’ve committed to it on my own, and he loves that I’m still doing it, three frigging years after I decided that it was the best way to show I cared. He has paid me back in full, complete with belabored, misspelled e-mails declaring his affection. And you know he hates every minute he spends writing those.
So, essentially, now we both willingly make ourselves miserable for love. I consider it a success story.
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:59 pm
When in doubt, try an out of body experience. Sit on your own shoulder -totally detached from the moment–and look at your mate and ask yourself honestly….”Is this still the same person I fell in love with?” Remind yourself what attracted you to that person and then be honest-has the person changed or has your atttitude changed? More than likely he’s the same person and you’ve slipped into the idea that he should change. Amazing how that clears the air and takes the heat out of an argument and replaces it with reason and perspective.
If all else fails of course, you can sit a dummy on your lap and have it do the talking……if you can do it with a straight face, you’ll be lucky and if you can’t …….well then you’re equally lucky and probably in love all over again.
February 3rd, 2007 at 6:29 am
I recycle. Hubster thinks it’s the right thing to do, but it’s incredibly boring and I’m honestly not convinced the “recyclables” actually go somewhere else. Also, we end up with little grocery sacks full of bottles, cans and milk jugs and paper bags with paper products sitting in our laundry room for up to two weeks, longer if we forget. But, he thinks it’s important, so I do it and I don’t complain.
I also cook every night. Even if I make a vat of something and we eat it for three days straight, there’s something healthy to eat pretty much every night. When he’s out of town, I eat Lean Cuisines, sour cream and onion Lays, and lots and lots of cereal. I LOVE to cook, but every night, not so much. I kind of hate it sometimes. I do it because it’s important to him. Also, he does have a talent for cleaning potties, something I detest doing, so it’s a more than fair exchange on my part.
Like Schnozz said, if sweeping gets it done for him, get to sweeping!
February 5th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Mine is alternating who takes out the trash and cleans up after the BigWhiteBeast (dog). I had no idea that WhatsHisFace hated it so very much until some very pointed grumblings erupted.
I just figured that in the grand scheme of things, having a happy man was more important than a 5 (or 30 – she’s a big dog, whew) minute chore.
February 5th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Have you considered a Roomba? I’m serious. According to the Wall St. Journal, just “turn it on, walk out the door to go to work, and return at the end of the day to find a clean floor.” Never mind the obvious comparison to a human being in that statement, if it gets the floors clean without you having to hire a housekeeper or soil your dainty hooves, it might be a reasonable compromise.
February 7th, 2007 at 6:44 am
Roomba’s rock! My Roomba is constant, reliable and cleans the house (action: showing me it’s love) while I’m at work. My fiance doesn’t…(not that it matters, well sometimes it does.)
There is something to say for dating and being single — you always see the best of them for a short while, then can go home to your own space, turn on the televsision, sit in your underwear on the bed with with your drooling dogs while stuffing your face with a favorite fast food. I miss that…!
These days, it’s tofu, vegetables, knick-knacks and furniture which isn’t mine and a very uncomfortable, small couch where I can’t stretch-out with my dogs.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:13 am
I show love and respect by looking past the things I don’t like and focusing on the things I do like. You get what you pay attention to. If you want the trash taken out, take it out. Maybe he doesn’t care about the trash right now. Don’t nag about the small stuff. Many years ago, I was really pissed at my husband and he deserved my wrath. However, we had a rare three day weekend and had planned for a much anticipated camping trip. Unfortnately, we couldn’t go because I “had” to be angry and he “had” to be punished. Dang. I was also going to have a crummy weekend. Hmmmmm. I would eventually forgive him, but them the weekend would be over and we would have missed out on a good time. By some stroke of genius I decided to fast forward to forgiveness. We had a wonderful time on our camping trip. Good memories rather then bad. In most relationships, You get what you give. Treat each other like bestfriends. Love and respect