I am trying to calm the squirrels of my mind. My brain squirrels race around on a little wheel (stolen from a hamster, I guess) and talk to each other incessantly. Incessant with the talking. I never knew how noisy squirrels could be. Or how sharp their little toe nails are when they’re digging into [...]
I’m sorry to inform you that Moose in the Kitchen remains as apt a title as ever. I have the bandaids to prove it. By 10 a.m. this morning, I had already masterminded two kitchen related accidents. First mistake: Decision to eat breakfast on the deck. (I live in California during global warming. Meaning, if [...]
What you don’t want to hear when you walk into work with new hair: “Did you lose a bet?” My hair is now very, very blonde. In fact, I kind of look like this. Only more yellow. And less male. Speaking of awesome yellow things, did you know that you can make fried chicken with [...]
If you’re virtuous and obey the laws of the Mormon Church, you get your very own planet when you die. Or, if a relative is an elder in the Mormon Church, you can get one even without all that buzz-killing virtue. I have a friend who swears he’s got a personal planet lined up even [...]
Idly jumping 40 pages: “After Martin’s death…” Martin dies? Damn it!
I woke up this morning with a bouffant hairstyle the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Elvis greeted 1956. It pleased me.
If you hear someone muttering “juggling geese, juggling geese” while shuffling down the street, that someone is probably me. My (admittedly incomplete) knowledge of geese is that they are unfriendly creatures. Try tossing one or more in the air and you’ll end up cursing all goslings from here to Mississippi and clutching your forehead with [...]
Sunday is Dog on Bed Day. Really, it’s Dog on Bed For 45 Minutes Day, because Meeka is invited onto the bed with us when we wake up on Sunday morning and allowed to stay there until we get up. Then she is firmly ushered off. This system worked very well, at least until the [...]
I’m trying to change my thinking. As many of us think nearly every day, habits become ingrained. I, for example, tend to be negative. But that’s not who I want to be. Occasionally cynical, yes. Darkly comic, of course. Downright buzz-killing each and every day, not so much. Exhibit A: instead of scratching bitterly at [...]
Tonight I sat alone in a biker bar, drinking root beer and reading a book about pirates. Then I got a call informing me that I was in the wrong place. I arrived at the right place five blocks away to find them discussing motorcycle sidecars and the importance of monkeys as passengers. I HAVE [...]
