When you wake up at 5:30 a.m. with muscle spasms that have you rolling helplessly in bed and moaning in pain, you have two choices: 1. Continue to flail about and groan piteously, waking up bedmate, dog, and quite possibly the drunk passed out under your bedroom window. 2. Be stupid. I chose option 2. [...]
In the past week or so, I have made waffles, chocolate mousse, an onion bacon tart, and blondies. Staring at some highly unappetizing bananas this morning, I didn’t just dump them in the garbage. Or even leave them molding on the counter for someone else to deal with. I actually considered making banana bread out [...]
I keep expecting to open the newspaper and discover that Big Bird has been reported missing. Or that Prairie Jane [edit: an intrepid commenter noted that it's actually Prairie Dawn] was found in the East River wearing a fetching pair of cement shoes. There’s a muppet killer on the loose, people. Some heinous individual cut [...]
“Would you get the ironing board?” Entering the room with requested ironing board, “I would now like to take a moment and laugh at you for ironing the sheets.” “Only the top sheet! And the pillow cases.” “Yeah, ’cause that makes it better.”
Belching adds an easy panache to any conversation. Any conversation not taking place with a possible employer or an aging aunt, that is. If I could instigate a belching contest with anyone, it would be Angelina Jolie. I bet that woman can let rip a sound designed to make gassy giraffes quake in fear. As [...]
It’s 9:42 p.m. on New Year’s Day and I have yet to make anything even remotely resembling a resolution. I also have yet to take down the Christmas tree, but that’s none of your business. I can leave my Christmas tree up until March if I want to. Given my usual penchant for Forming Plans [...]
