Moose in the Kitchen

My link list is quickly disintegrating from (semi) thoughtful commentary into the HA HA! FUNNY! realm. As a point of reference though, HA HA! FUNNY! is really the biggest compliment you can get from me. I don’t care if you make macrame ponies or clean between your teeth with a butcher’s knife – if you are funny, I will like you.

Copying other people’s funny may be a bit weak as posts go, but I wanted to put up a few links since my sidebar has been noticeably linkless for months and months and months. I thought about starting a links page but that’s just so…static. I’d rather bash you over the head than offer a sedate list that you could ignore. Which I do. Ignore everyone’s links, that is. Allowing me to conveniently forget that there are other blogs in the world. My universe, it is small. So: Head bashing! Read my favorites!* And if you have any personal favorites that you’d like to share, please do so. Especially if they’re funny. My world could use some expanding. And some more funny. Translation: I need more ways to procrastinate. Help me.

Funny in the Wildlife Category:

Look, we’re not asking for more than our fair share. We get it – you have opposable thumbs, we don’t. We’re not asking to swap places on the food chain, or whatever. But there’s got to be a basic concern for our rights as cows. Nothing elaborate – more grazing hours, cleaner stalls, and cable TV. Until you deliver, we’re refusing to be slaughtered.

Cows picketing the slaughter house requesting cable TV is an image that’s made me snort in more than one inappropriate place. Courtesy of Geese Aplenty, who doesn’t know I’ve filched this. Also, this. If you click through to just one link on this post, click through to that one. Especially if you live in the Bay Area and have ever, even once, thought of buying a house.

If I ever have to write a song about a fish, I’m going to call it “Like a Sturgeon.” You can’t stop me. Nobody can…. Hey, is a “sturgeon” a fish?

From Miss Doxie. Who, for obvious reasons, has my lifelong respect.

My cat licks melons. Which is nice.

This man needs to write more. So does his charming partner. If I lived anywhere near the United Kingdom, I would be offering my babysitting services, so they could chain themselves to the computers where they belong.

Ass Category (I originally called it the “In the Ass Category” but that’s just wrong):

Your pants should not hug your ass like a second skin. Unless you’re a superhero or a bike messenger – and even then you’d better be in the process of saving the world or delivering a package.

This didn’t come from a blog per se, but the author has a blog. Right here. He also used to have my job. Then he went and moved on to his fancy “playwrighting” and “facial hair growing”. I could write plays you know! I could grow facial hair! Well: no and no. But a girl can dream.

Don’t expect any lectures from me on how those young people in their twenties really don’t know what they’re missing or that load of crap about how I wouldn’t trade my wisdom for my youth. Because show me the scientist that could give me back my porcelain skin and tight ass I will gladly FedEx him my frontal lobe wrapped in a pretty bow and packed in dry ice.

Courtesy of sweatpantsmom, who is even now Fed-Exing me her brain because I made a few false promises. I want to graft her frontal lobe onto my own. This plan has a certain Frankenstein-esque charm, I think.

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* The above plagiarism in no way encompasses the awesomeness of my reading list, but I have to spread it out, lest you all get bored of clicking and wander off.