Mastering the Art of the Klutz
Posted by Moose on November 6th, 2006. Filed under: Meat Suit.I was just sitting here, minding my own business, staring at this big blank wordpress box, the one that says, “You only have 6 hours and 45 minutes to type something into me before you have TOTALLY BLOWN NaBloPoMo, and aren’t you ashamed of yourself for only making it five measly days?” when something utterly predictable happened. I flipped the big blank box the finger, stood up to get myself some tea, and nearly fell flat on my face.
This would be a much better story without the “nearly” before “fell flat on my face,” but we have to work with what we have.
It may redeem my story somewhat if I impressed upon you that not only did I nearly fall on my face, I also nearly sent my desk chair flying across the room.
How does she manage such stunning grace and freewheeling glamor, you may ask. I am prepared to break a 28-year code of silence and share my secret so you too can be the envy of your coworkers.
Be a klutz.
How easy, you think. How endearingly simple it is to be a memorable addition to any party. You would be wrong. Mastering the art of the klutz requires dedication. It requires forebearance in the face of monumental setbacks. It requires a well-padded midsection. Especially if your dining room table is sharper than it really should be, given your predilection for wedging furniture into your hip sockets.
Somehow my shoelace wrapped itself around the wheel of my desk chair, attaching me to the furniture in an entirely unexpected way. I noticed, unfortunately for my story, just in time to catch myself before doing a face plant into the carpet. A face plant that would have both crunched my glasses into my tender eyeballs and given me unwanted intimacy with a carpet that was last vacuumed in May of 2003.
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November 6th, 2006 at 9:21 pm
I smell a rat! Or perhaps I smell a vengeful dog! Ones shoelaces do not magically tie themselves around desk chairs. My theory is the Meeka was angry about you spending quality belly-rubbing time with a chinchilla. This was her middle school way of getting you back.
November 6th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
I need to send this to my wife. She falls out of cars regularly. She could challenge you in some sort of Klutz Olympics.
November 7th, 2006 at 7:10 am
I too am a world class klutz! I walk into door frames all the time. They make doors pretty wide nowadays, but I just don’t seem to be able to monitor where my body is in relation to walls(or desks!). I go home everyday with the biggest bruises on my thighs from walking into anything with a corner. My parents used to get so frustrated with me when I was little because I would come home covered in bruises that I had no idea how I’d gotten. That is a sure sign of a klutz!
November 7th, 2006 at 11:50 am
Hi! I followed a link from a site to another site, that site had a link here and I clicked. This post had me laughing out loud. Very, very funny (not your misfortune, just how you describe it). I get clumsy instead of PMS, I call it the PMC’s. It usually ends up with me wearing something I was supposed to be carrying. Great blog… I’ll be back.
Happy NaBloPoMo!!
November 7th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
tripped up stairs yet? thats in the top 10, if you got that (which i think you probably do) Then i believe you!
jk
November 7th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
I think it is a testimony to a story-telling gift you have, that while reading about you almost falling flat on your face, all I could think was, “Awh. She’s so CUTE.”
(And I don’t mean that as “condescending cute” or “pinch your cheeks cute,” just “regular, old-fashioned cute.” Ok, I’m going to stop talking now.)
November 7th, 2006 at 11:24 pm
I must unfortunately claim the Grand Klutz prize, not only due to falling flat on my face in a similar situation (no “nearly”), but by breaking an Actual Bone in my foot while doing so. I can only bear to have others read of this shameful affair by knowing that Moose and I have performed a valuable public service in demonstrating that the seemingly innocuous act of standing up after being seated in a chair can be way more difficult than one might think.
November 8th, 2006 at 2:49 am
I am often frustrated by Klutzery.. I highly value elegance, grace and economy of motion. Whenever I drop something for no particularly good reason I am secretly disappointed with myself. On the other hand, it was actually really awesome that one time you tossed the salad and sprayed my kitchen wall with salad dressing.
Your Pal,
=darwin
PS – I am not actually dead, only my non-work life is.. :/