How to Put a Dollar Bill in a Go-Go Dancer’s G-String
Posted by Moose on October 23rd, 2006. Filed under: How To.Stare blankly at the dollar bill you’ve just been handed. Be informed that it’s not for you, it’s for the girl on stage who’s actually earning it. (Because anyone who can do that with nipple tassles deserves a dollar.) Register your suspicion that the owner of the dollar bill really wants to do it himself but is being a big, fluffy chicken. Be told, “I want to watch you do it.”
Gamely grab the dollar before understanding that he probably expects teeth or cleavage to be involved. Specifically, your teeth or cleavage. Decide you’re not nearly drunk enough for that kind of nonsense and try to fight your way back to the bar for another drink. Weave dangerously as you attempt your first step and admit that you are, in fact, quite drunk enough. Drunk enough to put a dollar in a go-go dancer’s g-string and maybe (maybe) even drunk enough to consider putting that dollar between your pearly white teeth for the dancer to grab in a mercenary tribute to the Male Lesbian Fantasy.
First rule of putting a dollar in a g-string: Don’t approach the stage just as the dancer turns her back. This will leave you standing awkwardly at the foot of the stage, holding a dollar bill, and watching a butt swing back and forth in a proximity that is just a wee bit too close for comfort considering the immense task it is to simply stand up straight. Possibility of passing out headfirst into a go-go dancer’s swinging butt = Too Horrifying To Contemplate.
Wait for her to turn around.
Wait for her to turn around.
Idly contemplate the glitter adorning the swinging butt. Wonder how it got there. Does it come in a spray can? Did she spread it on a chair and sit in it? Do all the chairs backstage have sparkly butt prints?
Wait for her to turn around.
Ages pass and civilizations fall as you wait for her to turn around.
She turns around.
Begin frantically waving the dollar bill. She approaches. You realize that her scanty outfit leaves you with only two choices, as no large corduroy pockets have magically sprouted in her bikini. Wish for large magical corduroy pockets. Drunkenly rubbing her butt in hopes that a genie will emerge and grant you corduroy pockets is a sure sign that far too much vodka has been consumed.
Vow never to drink vodka again. Ever.
She’s waiting for you to give her the dollar. Decide that the gold string on her hip is a good deal safer than going anywhere near the nipple tassles. Gingerly tug the string and shove in the dollar bill.
She graciously winks one large, glitter encrusted eye and says, “Thanks, baby doll.”
Stumble back to your seat and send a quick thanks to the patron saint of Tipping Mostly Naked Girls that you didn’t stumble into her and grab something X-rated or put a dollar bill between your teeth.
Because, really. Do you know where those dollar bills have been?
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October 23rd, 2006 at 1:05 pm
A question about the last line: Dollar bills or strippers?
October 23rd, 2006 at 1:08 pm
I meant the dollar bill. I’m still pondering that last line. (I’m constantly a victim of premature publishing.) OK, I’m going in to change it. : )
October 23rd, 2006 at 1:32 pm
Premature publishing…funny.
I have a whole new respect for you. I could NEVER get gutsy (or drunk) enough to tip the stripper…and I used to be friends with a whole gaggle of them.
October 23rd, 2006 at 3:10 pm
BWAHAHAHHA! Brilliant. And now I’m contemplating glittery butt prints on chairs. I demand you return to see if, indeed, they get said glitter from chairs. Because enquiring minds want to know. Yes.
That – and there were no picture evidence of anything resembling drunken, vodka induced, or even genie butt rubbing. I think you should give it another try. In the interest of science. And my living vicariously through you. *shining grin*
October 23rd, 2006 at 3:48 pm
What, no Flickr links?
October 23rd, 2006 at 4:09 pm
I took pictures of leaves. And of buildings. IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE??
(I’m cursing my lack of foresight and soothing myself with the knowledge that had I actually remembered my camera I would have totally failed to take any pictures with it. Instead I would have dumped several sticky drinks into its inner workings before stepping on it by drunken accident.)
October 23rd, 2006 at 4:42 pm
reminds me of the time that stripper in spain picked up my buddy’s beer, lets just say she didnt pick it up with her hands, didnt know that body part could do that!!!
he was pissed! i was amaized!
October 23rd, 2006 at 6:16 pm
Moose you are my “Hero for the Day”. I have been that owner of the dollar bill who has coached a woman into doing just want you did. From your description, you did well.
*Applause!*
Jason
October 23rd, 2006 at 7:11 pm
So how was the rest of the show?
October 24th, 2006 at 9:02 am
been there done that…it leaves you with the thought..What goes through the glitter butt, tastle twirling chica that you gave the dollar to?? Did she see you waiting for her to turn around? What does she spend the dollar on? Crack, booze, bread, milk, smokes??
Oooo, welcome to over thinking Tuesday :0)
October 28th, 2006 at 7:48 am
That last line was what I was thinking the whole time in between fits of laughter…
December 5th, 2006 at 1:48 pm
This may be one of the funniest things I have ever read.
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:26 pm
[...] something of a habit (cough), yes; but more when I have some random adventure to write about. Like putting a dollar bill in a go-go dancer’s g-string. Or sitting in the corner at a party sculpting pasta ducks in fetching headwear. I would love to do [...]
August 13th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
[...] 4. Sharing what truly brings me joy. Like dancing in moose slippers, napping at the symphony, making hats for pasta ducks, and tipping strippers. [...]