I am a Jealous Hag
Posted by Moose on October 10th, 2006. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.A blustering shrew.
A hormonal wench.
and
A stroppy cow.
(I’m also a mutant kimodo dragon. But that’s fully awesome, so I’m letting it stand.)
How does one mere slip of a girl manage so many time-consuming and unpaid occupations? YOU MAY WELL ASK.
(Mission: Be Less Invective = Failed.)
Re: Jealous Hag. I do precisely what the self-help books tell you not to do. I measure myself by the accomplishments of others. I don’t just use the yard stick, I beat myself over the head with it. Anyone with a modicum of sense could tell you this is a bad idea. That half-eaten banana in your fridge could tell you this is a bad idea. But I pride myself on willfully ignoring any advice that might make me a happier person.
Example: I’m 28. There’s a (completely fictional) 27-year old with a well-publicized flea circus that tours the world on mini-elephants while raking in millions of dollars and scoring all the hot flea chicks. I don’t have a flea circus. Or any mini-elephants. What’s wrong with me?
One day I will learn that not everything is about me. Most people learned this in kindergarten. I was too busy poking the pet rats and trying to eat the fingerpaint. My higher intellect, the one I don’t use very often because it’s based on reality, understands that you shouldn’t measure yourself by what other people do. You are you. You write a book or don’t. You have a perfect plie or you don’t. You paid your bills on time or you didn’t. There is no point in bemoaning the fact that your knees don’t work that way, that you’re too lazy to open a new word document and type something into it, or too disorganized to remember where you put the student loan statement. Or the dog. Instead, you should embrace the positive: You did the laundry five weeks ago? Good for you!
Unfortunately, this insight doesn’t make me less hard on myself, it only makes me more annoyed about it. So I try to lull my brain into submission with massive applications of chocolate and torrid romance novels. Reducing my IQ via bodice rippers and nutella is far preferable to cashing in that lobotomy gift certificate my parents got me for Christmas.
Looming Rule of Adulthood Number 97: You don’t get everything you want. A painful reality mitigated by the fact that you will probably feel better if you make even the smallest step toward your goal.
So please excuse me while I search for a flea I can teach to cartwheel.
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October 10th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
I *so* feel your pain, I’ve always been a ‘jack of all trades’ dying to be an expert in something, but in addition to always liking everyone else’s ideas better (as you seem to) I also have a touch of what your other friend (Schnozz) seems to have trouble with – the ADD, the inability to focus on any one thing long enough to become an expert! I mean currently I’m responding to this, eating the tail end of lunch, working on 3 trips that I’m arranging for my boss, 4 ‘new memo’ windows open in Lotus notes, and have just returned from a co-worker’s b-day cake ‘party’ on a different floor. And in the back of my mind trying to compile a list of groceries I need for tomorrow’s dinner, and oh yes, lamenting that I didn’t invent YouTube and was making a BILLION dollars right now for eFFin’ around on the internet all day coming up with ways for people like me to waste time at work cultivating their own ADD!!! hang in there! One final word… You cant always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/you+cant+always+get+what+you+want_20117887.html
October 10th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
Would it help you if I tell you that we all go through this?
October 10th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
Yes. : )
October 10th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
Ok, I am laughing soooo hard right now. And also on the verge of tears….except for the cartwheeling flea, I could have written this post. I keep trying to tell myself that I will be much happier if I work towards my goal (as in actually doing some ORGANIZING in my quest for an organized apartment; haha, or maybe even just throwing out that half-eaten banana in the fridge) but somehow in the moment of decision, I can’t convince myself that those small steps towards my goals will make me happier than a glass of wine and a good movie.
October 10th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
kimodo dragon…. Now thats neat!, I’d like to see that! really!!
i had a friend once i called dragon, she… yep she was.. still is the type of girl that knows exactly what she wants, and when its not going her way, she snaps… Dragon…. and she blew me off for a lunch date the other month, so i said bye bye dragon hello carma free of bite marks!
October 11th, 2006 at 1:37 am
What’s with all these people being nice to you? What sort of friends are they?
I’ll tell you what you really need to hear:
QUIT YOUR WIMPY SNIVELING AND WRITE THAT BOOK, MAGGOT.
There.
Now, YOU place your combat boot on MY face and tell me that. Surely our combined motivational efforts will culminate in twin Pulitzers!
Or … not.
Either way, I think you’re fabulous.
God, I’ve gone soft in my old age.
October 11th, 2006 at 11:07 am
LOL, what catwalker said, and a bit of my own stuff. If you’re looking for a lesson in self-acceptance, see here and start reading about halfway through the entry.
Disclaimer: Opinion found behind this link does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the writer on a “bad day”. The information is not intended to provide mental health advice or as a substitute for consulting with your own physician. Health concerns should be discussed with a health care professional. Information is intended to be taken with as many grains of salt as needed… or a shot of hard alcohol, your choice.