How to Ride a Motorcycle: Passenger’s Edition

Posted by Moose on October 8th, 2006. Filed under: Random Lists.

Rule 1: Climb on. Maintain dignity after discovering that your jeans were easier to sit in two barbeques and six desserts ago.

Rule 2: Wrap your arms around the driver’s waist. Try to mask the fact that you’re clinging for dear life.

Rule 3: When the driver smiles at you in a jaunty manner before careening directly into oncoming traffic, refrain from shrieking incoherently. This distracts the driver from keeping you alive. If you must shriek, do so quietly. Restraint of this nature allows you to later claim that no one was shrieking, and what on earth would make you think such a thing? (And let’s face it, at least once in a 20-minute ride it will be imperative for you to shriek. There’s absolutely no point in dying with your mouth shut.)

Rule 4: These rules are for passengers. Those of you getting all excited about cruising for chicks on your Harley while wearing leather pants (and not even looking gay!) need to reel it in. You’re not allowed to sit in the driver’s seat if 1. you’ve been the guilty party in more than two vehicular accidents in the past 16 months, 2. you’re that excited about wearing leather. (Don’t worry, leather is permissible on passengers. But you’re going to have a tougher time convincing people of your heterosexuality with your arms wrapped tightly around a guy. Just sayin’.)

Rule 5: If, as you’re roaring down a hill while weaving in and out of cars driven by people safely wrapped in two tons of metal, you find yourself thinking, “I can’t die now, I haven’t had dinner yet,” just remember that heaven has kick-ass cheeseburgers.

Related posts:

  1. Step Away from the Vehicle
  2. Any More of this Nonsense and I’ll Need an IV
  3. Summary of My Day in Blog Post Titles*
  4. Welcome to My World
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5 Responses to How to Ride a Motorcycle: Passenger’s Edition

  1. a Random Person
    October 8th, 2006 at 10:07 pm

    oh god. And you’re in SF.

    Where you can lane split. oh man. My sincerest … offerings of impressed emotions (oh give me a break, it’s 1am my time, and the words, they are not coming. Someone please edit me!). I am in awe at your courage (there we go. that’s how I say it). Heh. I was in LA a few years ago, and I was freaked out just to SEE THEM SPLIT LANES. Never mind be an actual passenger while it happened.

    My hat’s off to you (or – well, I don’t own a hat, so will you settle for a jaunty salute?)

  2. Catwalker
    October 8th, 2006 at 11:24 pm

    Just hoping you’re not on with someone who finds a fellow cyclist at the head of a stoplight and thinks it’s great fun to race to the next red… (up and down Castro/Divisadero) like I used to!

    be safe.

  3. kerri anne
    October 9th, 2006 at 7:09 am

    How to ride a motorcycle, kerri anne edition:

    Step one: Look at the person patting the seat of their hog invitingly as if they are stark raving batshit crazy. Probably they are. Step two: Run away. The end. ; )

    (My dad was a nutcase on a motorcycle/dirt bike back in the day. He could ride the length of three blocks on one wheel. He was indeed stark raving batshit crazy. And I loved him. But never did I ride. “She’s got a ticket to ride, and she don’t care.” Indeed.)

  4. Jason
    October 9th, 2006 at 10:46 am

    Dear Moose,

    I hope you wore a helmet and cycling can be a bit dargerous. I have a few questions for you regarding your rencent event that I hope you can clear up.

    1. Are you in a motorcycle gang now, and if so what is your gang nickname?

    2. Did you at any point get scared enough to cover the drivers eyes with your hands, cartoon-style?

    3. Was the driver in anyway related to Evil Knievel?

    Thanks
    Jason

  5. jonniker
    October 9th, 2006 at 7:51 pm

    There would be no riding of the motorcycle in my world, as I am too neurotic and the last time I was offered a ride, I cried before I even swung my leg across the seat.

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