Return of the Ever-Elusive Cookie Contest
Posted by Moose on September 28th, 2006. Filed under: Uncategorized.Subtitle: Why People Can Never Tell Whether Or Not I’m Drunk
Interviews I give are marked by responses like, “Um, can you repeat the question?”, usually because the question made no sense to anyone not living inside my head; hacking guffaws to clear an excess of phlegm; and much inadvertent interruption with a subtext of “Oh, you weren’t done speaking yet? Sorry about that, but I don’t actually listen when I’m doing these things. I’m too busy surfing the internet.” In conclusion, I laugh too much, stumble on already lame questions, and talk over people when I need to just shut my mouth already.*
Luckily, I tend to interview people who are smart enough to talk over me and guide the conversation to something that would translate as “interesting”. Instead of “holy christ, how can a conversation that doesn’t include a bathroom sink as the main contributor be so damn dull.” Meaning my interviews tend, through no effort of my own, to turn out fairly well. I enjoy doing them, because picking the brains of the unsuspecting is fun. Especially when you ask them about their pet alligator, insist when they question your sources that they do indeed have a pet alligator, utterly confuse them with your continued persistence about the alligator, and then laugh maniacally before choking on your own esophagus.
It’s fun.
Therefore, I would like to start doing interviews here. Because, as scrumptiously world dominating as I am, there are only so many neuroses sane people can read about before flailing blindly with the nearest handy mouse for that red x at the top of the screen.
Cookie Contest (I put that in bold for all you dirty, cheating skimmers): I want suggestions for an interview subject.** Nominate yourself, nominate other readers, nominate someone you know, someone you love, someone you wouldn’t touch with with gloves and an extended garden rake, nominate your mother. Just don’t nominate Angelina Jolie, because as much as I’d love to interview her and perhaps post a sultry topless photo, we all need to remember that this is the real world. That it continues to be the real world no matter how much you ignore it in favor of sitting in a darkened living room rewinding the shots of Angelina’s beestung smackers. (People keep asking me if I’m gay this week. I’m straight. Don’t be fooled by my love for Angelina. Or the new haircut.)
Give me a reasonable idea as to why this would be a good interview, as well as contact info. Um, email. Homegirl don’t use the phone. Or at least some vague idea as to how to find this person. Zip code, social security number, favorite ice cream flavor.
Person who nominates the interviewee (or is the interviewee) gets the cookies.
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*Don’t let my interview technique fool you. I am suave, erudite, and casually intriguing in real life. I also have the neck of a swan.
**I’m not trying to rip off Leah Peah, I just like doing interviews. Which is why I’m encouraging the nomination of (though certainly not limiting it to) those whose name doesn’t lead to a web site when you click on it with a cursor.
September 28th, 2006 at 5:53 pm
for the person who never votes for them self and always looses by one vote!
I….. Nominate my father,
reasons. one, his son’s nickname is squid. Come on thats interesting enough. Two, my fathers family history is… well very interesting, example, he watches the godfather movies to bring back family memeories! COME ON PEOPLE, thats cool in my book! Three, He is the goofy’est guy i have ever met, my friends call him on a regualr basis just to say hi. He is kind, loving and always willing to help out when ever he can! HE trys to fix stuff, and when he fails, calls me and asks what to do! And his stories about his childhood are the best i have ever heard! (example, riding his trike out the second story window in brooklyn, fire cracker under my great grandma’s dress, writing his name in wet cement so people in space could read it!)
just an example!
and if that does not work
My best friend Grunt, Army guy, who can live out doors year round with just a knife! (thats kinda cool) and someone who i do almost everythign with, and moose knows how loco i am
but schnozz, seems intersting too!
ok thats three, sorry
September 28th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
Thinking Angelina is hot does not make you gay…but I tend to think she has lost something in her new role as home wrecker and defender of mother earth. I like my celebrity crushes vapid.
Who would I like to know more about….? Hm.
September 28th, 2006 at 7:50 pm
To hell with everyone else, I nominate myself for 6 reasons.
1. In my previous job I used to catch bad guys on the Internet, really bad guys.
2. I’ll completely and honestly answer anything you ask, no matter what.
3. I can carry a conversation well and have no problems speaking my mind.
4. I have never thought of you as a lesbian but I am an open minded if you change you mind
5. I graduated from school at 16 so I am smart enough to talk over you and guide the conversation on the right path.
6. I love cookies.
September 28th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
I LOVE your haircut!!!
September 29th, 2006 at 5:50 am
Sesame Street’s COOKIE MONSTER! Mr. Monster, or Cook as friends like to call him, was the fist monster I met who had the same affinity and addiction as I did for cookies. I felt a bond with Cook and was not ashamed of my deep passion for cookies. As a kid, I learned it was ‘okay’ to freely rejoice in receiving a cookie. You may contact through email at Sesame Street’s post office –
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/sesamestreet/mail/sspo/
Give a shout-out to Cook for me back in the hood. I always wondered if he felt Grover stole his thunder when in an episode Grover went bonkers over receiving a cookie. For Christ sake, that was Cook’s schtick!
September 29th, 2006 at 7:38 am
EVERYONE knows that the test of straightness for females includes a deep abiding love for Angelina Jolie. It does not make one gay – but every straight girl thinks sometime “if i WERE to walk the other side, it’d be for her” – so rest assured, we do not think your gay. But you DO have a fabo haircut!
As for nominations – why, my Momma of course! Hello – she’s the Purple Moose! What more reason do you need? Findable at purplemoose.kenaiwriter.net *g*
September 29th, 2006 at 7:48 am
Lessa stole my comment…everyone loves Angelina.
Interview me and I’ll make you a CD mix. See? Bribery is good.
September 29th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
As popular as the mother vote is, and you know I would love to nominate my personal Donna Reed, I think you should interview your own mother. And I think you should be drunk, and I think you should record it. Have at it.
September 30th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
MOOSE! you sent me cookies for the last contest! yay!
well, i’m not sure if it was the last contest; i’ve been immersed (read: drowning slowly) in work and such, so i may have missed out on subsequent contests.
as a result, i can’t think of an interviewee right now. but i do thank you endlessly for the brief flirtation i had with chocolate chip cookies from the west coast.
September 30th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
I nominate the most unlikely reader/contributor to this blog. SQUID! C’mon, his nickname is Squid! Do you need any more reason than that?
No really, he’d be a great interview subject. And easy to get ahold of.
September 30th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
You should interview Leah Peah.
September 30th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
I think you should forward all these “gee your hair is great!” comments to your Aunt Jasmin. She would love to see them and maybe interview her about why she is so great in doing your haircut. She might even enjoy letting everyone else know why she is so good. (Ask her about her training in Mountain View and riding there on cold winter morning in an open convertible.)
October 1st, 2006 at 10:23 am
No really, he’d be a great interview subject. And easy to get ahold of.
Comment by mmmmmm — September 30, 200
Did you just say im Easy?
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:14 pm
[...] So many excellent interview suggestions, so few clones of myself to actually do all those interviews. (One clone was made, but she turned out a bit…simple. All she does is wander the city searching for cookies while wearing a hat made of aluminum foil and twigs.) If you’ve ever eaten with me in a restaurant or watched me try to get dressed in the morning, you know that my decision-making process involves graphing paper, pie charts, and an eight ball. [...]
October 13th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
[...] I promised you interviews, didn’t I? And cookies. Inspirational messages from humble folk who have rescued crippled orphans from burning buildings, risen to dizzying heights of fame and fortune, and revelled in the presence of Josh Hartnett with his shirt off. Far be it from me to deny you, my doves. [...]