Three Reasons I Won’t Get Through This Day Without a Lobotomy
Posted by Moose on September 21st, 2006. Filed under: Random Lists.Or, Sharpen Your Sporks
1. I’m listening to a tape of myself speak. As if that weren’t bad enough, I am attempting to interview someone. My interview skills are not the most polished. Especially when the interviewee has, at some point in his or her life, won a Pulitzer. Listening to yourself say “uh huh” 47 times in five minutes to a person who’s being all eloquent and shit is guaranteed to make you wince in horror, hit the pause button, and hunt madly for the nearest spork with which to do a little emergency surgery on your frontal lobe.
Until it gets worse. And you find yourself thinking, “I didn’t just tell her I was too lazy to do any real research so she should just sort of talk me through it, did I? No, I couldn’t have. I must be hallucinating. Yes, hallucinating.” This is when you give up the fruitless hunt and begin fashioning your very own spork out of paper clips and dried-out ballpoint pens.
2. I don’t know much about this lobotomy thing, but if I were to stick a spork through my eye, hypothetically speaking, and into my brain – would I hit the evil portion of my cerebrum responsible for mucus production? I have a phlegm problem, folks. I keep coughing it up and, since I’m at work and no one really wants to see that, I have nowhere to put the slimy product of my hacking.
3. Do I even need three? With the phlegm thing?
Three Reasons this Day is a Blueberry Scone with a Vanilla Latte and Because You Need Some Happiness After I Used the Words “Slimy” and “Phlegm” in the Same Paragraph
1. I love the change of seasons. This sometimes leads me to contemplate moving someplace where the seasons do, in fact, change. In the meantime, I imagine red leaves falling past my window. I prepare hot spiced cider to drink in 78 degree weather. I lovingly stroke the sweaters that I haven’t needed since mid-August.
2. Awesome people who leave nice little notes in the comments. Thanks, awesome people!
3. Just to make this post completely literal (except for the spork lobotomy thing) I could, conceivably, were I to stop being lazy and get off my rump, go score myself that blueberry scone and vanilla latte from Peet’s. Because there is now a Peet’s in my immediate vicinity. My heart races madly with joy – aided only in part by the caffeine.
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September 21st, 2006 at 4:16 pm
ugh! the phlegm! and the slime! and the whole AT WORK THING so moaning is inappropriate and everyone shoves purel at you!
I hope you feel better soon!
PS – Sporks in the eyeballs will not help the phlegm, but sporks in the cheekbones are the miracle cure.
September 21st, 2006 at 6:40 pm
sporks, one time at band camp…. i made a bat man out of a spork, i took off the two center fork thingies, and then drew a bat man face on it, worked well
and it was not band camp but high school, and that was…… to long ago,
what did i have for breakfast again
September 21st, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Awwwwwww! poor Moose! I hope you feel better! And I’m certain your interview went swimmingly. As long as you didn’t snort phlegm at him or anything. you didn’t did you? Cuz that’d be grose.
And RP is absolutely right with the cheekbone thing. Yup. Miracle cure.
September 22nd, 2006 at 12:06 pm
Hehehehe…Loved the interview story. “Uh huh…uh huh” it happens to everyone….
…So definitely don’t spork any of your body parts over it. It’s really cool that you interviewed a Pulitzer Prize winner…focus on that.
Hope you feel better, and your dance pics were great.
September 23rd, 2006 at 12:41 pm
I found you through a comment in Summer’s blog. I almost commented immediately after reading your last 2 entries, but held off until I finished the page. First, I would like to tell you that I love your writing, and second, the two subscribers you lost obviously tried the lobotomy thing. That’s the only explanation that makes any sense to me. Just sayin’, is all.
So, I’m Bloglining you, and I’ll try to make up for the 2 who left.