Please stop lacing your baked goods with crack. Seriously. Just stop. I finally fit into that skirt I bought six months ago but haven’t been able to zip since, and I don’t appreciate you jeopardizing this situation. In future, please make sure your brownie bites, your madeleines, and your flaky little heart-shaped cookie things are [...]
Last night, I snorted cocaine with Madonna. Yes, this was a dream. Someone else’s dream, I might add. All I did in my dreams was forget to pay a few bills. When I heard the news that perhaps I wasn’t as boring as previously believed, it just wasn’t good enough for me. I immediately began [...]
Or, Sharpen Your Sporks 1. I’m listening to a tape of myself speak. As if that weren’t bad enough, I am attempting to interview someone. My interview skills are not the most polished. Especially when the interviewee has, at some point in his or her life, won a Pulitzer. Listening to yourself say “uh huh” [...]
Know what happens when you agree to perform something with an Improv. Solo.? You manage to create gaping black holes in your cerebellum, exactly where that improv solo should be. I have no idea what’s going on here. I seem to be shooting an invisible arrow, attempting to nudge it further toward its target with [...]
Project: Become Less Psycho (P:BLP) entails activities that are uncomfortable reminders of many youthful moments spent in a yurt communing with children named Willow and Sea Star when I’d rather commune with the TV and Beverly Hills Teens. Sojourns in the yurt chafed, especially when compared with the Motel 6 pool encounters that would be [...]
A kind lady in my spam folder just informed me that the answer to all my problems is refinancing. I hadn’t even considered that. But I don’t own a house. Does this mean my problems are doomed to remain unsolved? Could I refinance my desk chair? My winter coat?
“Perk faster! Perk faster!” “You can’t change the laws of physics.” “No. But you can yell at them.”
Everyone wants to be the hero. You watch a movie, read a book, stare blankly at poorly-translated Anime, all with one emotion: keen desire to identify with the protagonist. Unfortunately, I’m always the girl who’s two feet to the left of Angelina Jolie, digging around in my bag for a snack while Angelina bounds to [...]
Meeka is usually cared for by someone who gets to swear at the computer in pajamas, rather than in two-piece suits like the rest of us. (And by “two-piece suit” I mean “jeans and a t-shirt”.) The puppy princess gets two hour walks to the beach virtually every day. She gets taken to the gym, [...]
Hi again, people inside my computer! With a few notable exceptions, I don’t connect with you beyond the time-sucking glow of my screen, so I think of you as Computer People. Isn’t it nice how I reduce you all to the stereotype of Folk Who Understand Why a Mouse Has an Electrical Cord Hanging Out of Its Ass? To [...]
