Improv. Solo. Let’s pause for a moment while the horror of those four syllables reverberates through the floor in a majestic yet chilling manner. Here’s an exercise, ladies and gentlemen. Turn on your stereo. Flip to a song you’ve never heard before. Now start dancing. Any kind of dancing you want. Just start shaking it. [...]
Memo to you people who feed me and walk me and occasionally ignore me when you really shouldn’t because I am always cute, even when you have other things to do: The backyard is distressingly free of squirrels. To reach my true potential as Mistress of the Hunt and Dog Tracker Extraordinaire, I must insist [...]
I desperately want to tell you about the ridiculous array of food surrounding me. Because food is very important to me. Ergo, food must be very important to you. My world view is somewhat limited. But my ecstatic descriptions of shoving chocolate into oranges and plunging my face into the sticky mess are stalled by [...]
If you have teenagers you’re tempted to gently swaddle in bubble wrap or tie to the furnace with duct tape to help them avoid any corrupting early life experience: don’t. If you do, they may reach an age where it’s embarrassing to swerve around parties yelling, “I had two glasses of wine! Two!” while brandishing [...]
Yesterday I equated owning nice shoes with being the devil incarnate. A devil with dandruff that laughs in the faces of starving tots, melting their eyebrows with a blast of fetid garlic breath before trampling their tiny toes with stiletto heels. There’s no logic in this line of thought, owning a few extra pairs of [...]
I moved to the fashion capital of the world ten years ago in possession of two pairs of jeans, six t-shirts and one ugly winter coat. I don’t think I even knew what accessories were, much less how to use them. (Still don’t, but I’m no longer paralyzed by the idea that a necklace will [...]
I’ve been informed that my lack of blogging is creeping people out. Please excuse my absence. I was busy panicking. I had to give a toast at a friend’s wedding on Monday – i.e., culmination of the vague and nausea-inducing dread that invaded my subconscious for the last eleven months. Dramatic, yes; but, people, I [...]
