Why I Have Doritos Crumbs in My Belly Button
Posted by Moose on August 14th, 2006. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I don’t feel well. This means my judgment is impaired. Thus, I went to work. On a Monday. When I don’t feel well. And my judgment is impaired. You see bad things in my future, don’t you? Yes, you do. Because you are exceptionally insightful and also have nice biceps. My first order of business at work was to download a virus onto my computer. It didn’t actually say “download virus” on my to-do list but I did it anyway. Because I’m an overachiever. Plus, I’m stupid.
I spent the next five hours of my life trying to get the virus off my computer. Through a combination of internet research, finger-tapping, inappropriate language and sheer dumb luck, I succeed. I perform a discreet tap dance and merrily toss all my computer printouts and handwritten notes on how to destroy said virus into the recycling.
Next order of business: discover that bank account is overdrawn. I begin drafting an irate letter to my accountant until I remember that I don’t have an accountant. I have a miniscule pay check and poor math skills. It’s true that my calculator prowess isn’t going to land me a job at Nasa, but I’m not usually $147 off. However, when Citibank withdraws your student loan twice in one month, you end up in the black hole of “Deposit money in your account immediately before we fine you nine million dollars, haul your dog off to the pound, and bomb your living room.”
Undoubtedly, this latest bank snafu is also due to my stupidity, but don’t tell Citibank that. Because I want them to reimburse me for the overdraft fees. And rebuild my living room. Maybe with a nicer stereo this time.
Conclusions drawn: Mondays suck, I should have stayed in bed, and banks are the devil.
The best thing to do in such circumstances is to go home and crawl back into bed. Just in case the bed is trapped in the same inexplicable vortex as your missing left shoe and the remote control and is therefore unaccountable to the space time continuum. Which means this whole frustrating day never happened. If not, at least you’re in bed – an improvement on any situation.
So now I’m under the covers, congratulating myself on making the first good decision of the day and nursing a sore throat with the Doritos that someone left on my bookshelf. Finding a half eaten bag of chips on your bookshelf is weird, but I’m not about to question weirdness when Doritos are involved.
Today has sucked. But I have Doritos crumbs in my belly button and that is awesome.
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August 14th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
The problem with real estate is you never have a Monday. So they surprise you. At least you have a hint by looking at a calendar. My Monday’s hit me out of the blue.
August 14th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Yep mondays suck! I was already awake at 1200am monday cuz im workingnights
then i slepy from 0700am to 1400… um 200pm then got up and rode the bike to the market, got cut in line, run over by 3 little children and then on the ride home almost got hit by a car… again for the third time this week. all on my new bike too! I mean does eveyone see the nice shiny track bike, and want to kill me at the same time? then to top it all off, the local spoiled neighborhood anoying kid bothered me when i was riden home. he asked me to do a skid on my bike, so i told him to do one frist and he did and then i toped his 5 foot wimpy skid with my 30 or 40 food track bike big in your face get out of my way you little punk kid skid….. and then i got a look of discust from my roommate.
now im back at work, waiting for tuesday to roll around so i can be pissed off for more than one day in a row….
lucky you got chips… all i got is a soggy bagle
keychain is in the mail either tomorrow or the next day!
August 14th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
This means that your bellybutton likely smells like Doritos, which is equally captivating and repulsive.
August 14th, 2006 at 10:59 pm
Summer: I am smiling for the first time in at least six hours. “Equally captivating and repulsive.” Just like me!
August 15th, 2006 at 6:07 am
Gotta love the Junk Food Fairy who obviously knew you needed a fix. Plain Doritos or Cool Ranch or something doubly awesome?
August 15th, 2006 at 8:47 am
You have forced me to go get Doritos at lunch today, making this Tuesday RULE.
August 15th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I think all you did was spark a worldwide Dorito craving. Though … when I think about it … that’s the best thing you could have ever done.
Mmm Doritos.
August 15th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
Doritos
Cheetos
Tostitos
Fritos
Is it a coincidence that the best things in life end in “os”?
Hope today was better!
August 16th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Cool Ranch Doritos. *drool* Since reading this, I have been craving them. BTW, love the new site layout!