Why I’m Not Running for Public Office
Posted by Moose on August 1st, 2006. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I’ve been informed that my lack of blogging is creeping people out. Please excuse my absence. I was busy panicking. I had to give a toast at a friend’s wedding on Monday – i.e., culmination of the vague and nausea-inducing dread that invaded my subconscious for the last eleven months. Dramatic, yes; but, people, I am not a public speaker. George Bush and a pretzel are more effective at getting a point across than yours truly with a microphone. Most of my conversations this weekend went something like this:
“I have to make a speech tomorrow.”
“Yes, so you’ve mentioned. Many times.”
“No, really. It won’t be pretty.”
“It will be fine.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Yes, it will.”
“Doubtful.”
“[through gritted teeth] It will be fine.”
“Well, maybe…. Hey, did you know I have to make a speech tomorrow?”
I lived through the weekend, but only because three groomsmen next to two bridesmaids would have been aesthetically unbalanced. I don’t know what I said in my speech, but I do know that I turned red, stared at the microphone in horror, clutched my notes in sweaty paws, left out an entire paragraph, and shuffled my feet a lot. I also mentioned something about fainting. And compared the bride and groom to eyeless rabbits.
Can I do romance or what?
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August 1st, 2006 at 12:10 pm
fun stuff! I had to do that a couple time already
August 1st, 2006 at 2:49 pm
See, people are always saying, “Just imagine the crowd naked,” as though being naked were some great levelizer. I’ve seen enough bodies to know that nudity does not level the playing field.
I say, imagine the crowd washing their butt cracks. That’s a better levelizer, I think, and helps the speaker remember that, no matter how badly the speech goes, these people still have to go home and cleanse their stinky bits and, eventually, will forget all about the speaker’s foibles and faux pas(es).
August 1st, 2006 at 3:40 pm
For all you blog-readers who did not attend said wedding, Moose’s speech was perfect–perfectly delivered, with just enough barely-visible shaking in the boots to be charming; a perfect mix of humor and “heartfeltness”; and a very perfect visible presentation–she looked stunning! And yes, I know, I’m her mother, but many people complimented her toast within my earshot to know I’m not the only one who will dispute her on this….
So now, Moose, are you willing to publish this????
August 1st, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Another totally unbiased person at the wedding thinks the toast was beautifully done. The MOH was poised, gorgeous and looked completely at ease as if she does this all the time. I did notice she danced with more abandon after the toast, but I attribute that to the hour, the alcohol, and the company instead of just relief.
So Moose, will you publish this???
August 2nd, 2006 at 6:04 am
I’ll bet you were wearing absolutely beautiful shoes, and everyone was hypnotized by your feet. Be thankful you didn’t have to write a poem. Think I watch too much Sex and the City?
August 2nd, 2006 at 7:27 am
I’m not a fan of public speaking either. But I think it’s expected that those speaking at weddings have the jitters, so I’m sure no one thought anything of your nervousness. And give yourself some credit. I don’t think W knows how to string together a complete sentence, much less make a full speech in public without royally butchering the English language.
August 2nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
Last time I gave a speech at a wedding, I said I had selected one of the classic poems of literature to recite, and proceeded to go through “Forever Your Girl” by Paul Abdul. The cheap jokes always work well at weddings.
August 30th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
[...] 3. Receive photos from the wedding. Laugh hysterically because everyone else appears to be having dignified conversations while you perform a previously unidentified form of the chicken dance. [...]