The Princess of Negativity is relinquishing her title. Legal requirements include: shutting my yawp, undergoing an attitude renovation, and ceasing to refer to myself in the third person. My brain rebels against such blatant manipulation, but my teeth are pleading with me to preserve the remaining nubbins of enamel in my clenched jaw. Phase One: [...]
I’m feeling funky. Less James Brown funky, more Lashed to the Mast of a Sinking Ship funky. Only without the philosophical revelations that I assume come in the goody bag of “you’re about to die now don’t you wish you had punched Billy Prescott in the third grade when he stole your twinkie instead of [...]
Sam, I haven’t even met you yet and already I have to admit that I am a terrible, terrible person. Note for anyone who ever wants to enter the cookie contest: make sure to send your address quickly. If you don’t, I MAY JUST EAT YOUR COOKIES: At 9:37 p.m. last night, the temptation proved [...]
If “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” then, dude, this play sucks. Why has the costume designer put that woman in the same jeans and ratty t-shirt for the last four scenes? Come on. And the director apparently wandered off to eat a donut during the majority of [...]
You all thought I was lying when I promised to send cookies to the good people inside my computer, didn’t you? I can forgive your faithless ways. But only after I prove how wrong you are. Behold the cookie packages: Yes, I wrapped them. Yes, they appear to be packaged by an enthusiastic, though not [...]
I used to believe I was a good communicator. If there’s a problem with communication in my life somewhere, I think, “We’ll work on it. But it’s not really my problem.” Until we did the recycling at work. A co-worker gave me a box. I handed it back because I already have a box for [...]
Yesterday morning, we made savory scones. Did you know that you can add things to a recipe, things that aren’t already there, and the world doesn’t spontaneously implode, taking you and your inability to follow directions with it? I know. I was suprised too. Nor does the publishing house responsible for The Joy of Cooking [...]
I have the hormones of a pregnant woman. I am not pregnant. If I was, this post would contain a lot more cursing. Instead, my moods fluctuate. Wildly. All the drama, none of the excuses. No “I’m growing a small human being in my abdominal cavity, so I may need to shriek while searching for [...]
You thought I forgot about the cookies I promised, didn’t you? I am writing to assure you that I haven’t. I think about the cookies I owe you every time I help myself to another handful of the chocolate chips. The chocolate chips I bought specifically for your cookies. I think about them every time [...]
I don’t feel well. This means my judgment is impaired. Thus, I went to work. On a Monday. When I don’t feel well. And my judgment is impaired. You see bad things in my future, don’t you? Yes, you do. Because you are exceptionally insightful and also have nice biceps. My first order of business [...]
