Application to the Leper Colony
Posted by Moose on July 25th, 2006. Filed under: Meat Suit.I have a rash on the inside of my left wrist. And a newly chipped front tooth. I have no idea how I managed to chip a tooth, but I keep wondering what happened to the missing bit. Did I spit it out? Swallow it? Is it on my floor somewhere? The only certainty is that it’s no longer in my mouth – which means I look like I should be aiming my ’78 Chevy at the skunk in the road, stepping on the gas and careening to a smoke-filled stop before prying up the dead critter with a spatula I keep in the trunk for just such occasions. ‘Cause skunks are some good eatin’ and Cletus and me certainly wouldn’t want to waste one.
I also have to get a biopsy in September. The only reason I’m not freaking out over the “you don’t have cancer, really, but we do have to cut something out of you and test it” is because I assume that if this were life-threatening, they would find time for me before September. But HMOs aren’t known for their standard of care so perhaps I am foolish.
Oh, and my left leg fell off. I put it on ice and hobbled straight out to scare small children with my stump.
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July 25th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
You may have chipped your tooth while grinding your teeth in your sleep.. do you have uneven wear in a left-right direction on any of your teeth?
Yay, new blog!
=darwin
July 25th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
Children need real fear injected into their wimpy frames at least once a month. Glad to see you’re using your misfortune to help others, really paying it forward and all.
July 25th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
ugh… biopsy?
good for you not freaking out… how about i freak out for you?
July 25th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
trick leg now that is cool!
July 25th, 2006 at 8:25 pm
I have a spare leg for you.
And I love the new design. Beautiful, stunning, wonderful. As always the writing is fabulous!
July 25th, 2006 at 9:56 pm
If anyone is worried about the biopsy thing – don’t be. As I told my mother this morning when she emailed me (approximately six minutes after I posted), it’s not a problem. I am not concerned. I’m not looking forward to having something cut out of me, but it’s not making me lose any sleep.
July 25th, 2006 at 9:58 pm
But thanks for the concern. To show my appreciation, I’ll lend you my prosthetic leg. Good for putting under the wheel of your next door neighbor’s car.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:39 pm
I really, really can’t be trusted not to make an inappropriate cancer joke here. I can’t. I joke about everything. It’s a goddamn tic.
So I will just say real fast before I am tempted to make a joke that I hope you do not have cancer and that you should try not to worry which is what you’re already doing so that’s great so really my point I guess is just that I’m thinking of you and hoping it turns out OK.
There.
July 26th, 2006 at 6:03 am
Re: rash on wrist. Do you wear a watch on that wrist? It could be you are allergic to the clasp/band. Hey, just a thought. And don’t forget to freeze leftover chicken fried skunk to share!
July 26th, 2006 at 6:45 am
Great template!
July 26th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
One of my stepfathers had a prosthetic leg from a train accident he was involved in as a child. We were on a swingset in a park one sunny day, and on the upswing, his fake leg popped right off and went sailing through the air, only to land in front of a very horrified little girl. She screamed like you wouldn’t believe. It was a fun day.