There May Even Be Video Evidence
Posted by Moose on July 12th, 2006. Filed under: Meat Suit.T-minus two days until I humiliate myself in a kickline. I haven’t participated in a kickline in 10 years. There’s a reason for this. That reason being that I like my pelvis unshattered.
If you don’t know what a kickline is – and, really, unless you’re a fan of Chorus Line or were subjected to high school dance teams in the mid-90s, why should you? – I’ll explain. Dancers stand in a straight line, gripping their neighbor’s shoulders while kicking their feet above their heads and grimacing in pain. Technically, you’re not supposed to grimace. You’re supposed to look pleasant, like kicking your foot into the one place it’s least likely to naturally go is the most fun you’ve had since discovering tequila. But when you’re 28 and retain all the limberness of an Egyptian mummy, you will be grimacing. Guaranteed.
For a few ambitious days I was stretching my splits out by putting one leg on a chair a foot and a half in front of me, the other leg on a chair a foot and a half in back of me and sitting in the space between the two chairs. Holding weights while doing this increases both the stretch and the shrieks from your left hamstring. That plan disintegrated after I went to New York and ate fried mayonnaise for three days.
I am now wondering if two days is long enough to crack cloning technology and send in a replica. Or scour the internet for a doppelganger, one with stretchy muscles and a predilection for frilly skirts. Otherwise I will be doing the can-can while praying that the adrenaline keeps me from 1. falling on the floor in a drooling seizure, 2. rupturing something vital, 3. getting my leg stuck behind my ear and tipping over backward.
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