It’s easy to mock Alanis Morissette for declaring that access to 10,000 spoons is ironic when all you really need is a knife. Whenever I’m tempted, I realize that – like Winona Rider in Reality Bites – I was an English major, went to a fancy college, and still couldn’t define irony if there was [...]
Ill as I felt eating eight cookies in a row, I believe that particular porcine demonstration has become my good luck charm – on par with the athletic socks a winning basketball player won’t take off for three months straight or the rabbit’s foot that evil, evil rabbit-killing people put on their key chains in [...]
Note: The questions people actually ask me – like “Who ate all the Chex Mix?” and “What’s that smell?” – are not very interesting. So I’ve made some up. Why do you let people write on your bathroom walls with crayons? Where else would I get such linguistic gems as “Love isn’t enough if you [...]
If I answered my phone, I would have to talk to people. I spend the same amount of time avoiding conversation as the dog spends licking the floor hoping for drops of maple syrup. Or small bugs. I like people. I just don’t always want to talk to them. I prefer to intuit their thoughts [...]
I have ventured into untested culinary waters. Specifically, blueberry and almond toasted muesli. That’s fancy-speak for granola. Are you bowled over by my adventurous spirit? You should be. If it isn’t fried and drenched in chocolate with a hole in the center, I won’t eat it for breakfast. (I jest. Sort of.) I modified the [...]
What possessed me to drink three ciders at the beach last night? Did you know that cider has alcohol? It does. Rather a lot of it. The devil alcohol, that which shall never pass my lips again. I will become a Temperance Spitfire of Old, tromping into bars in my sensible shoes and going Carrie [...]
At the age of 79, acting teacher Sanford Meisner was hit by a truck and dragged two city blocks. Upon arriving at the hospital, doctors were shocked he was alive. Not just because he was a 79-year-old man with intimate knowledge of the front end of a delivery truck, but because he had throat cancer. [...]
…Without Sounding Like a Puny, Ineloquent, Ineffectual Weasel With Bad Breath and Nothing To Say: Despair is setting in. I don’t think “ineloquent” was the right word to use there (it may not even be a word), but I am helpless to think of a better one. I am helpless even to swing my chair [...]
Have you ever driven down a steep mountain road with 50 pounds of squirmy dog in your lap? A dog who keeps twisting her head and digging her doggy talons into your thighs in attempt to Bogart your pretzels? Technically, I haven’t either. I wasn’t driving at the time. But I was trying to feed [...]
On noticing that a young man has a tattoo on the left side of his cranium: “Clever. As long as he keeps his head shaved, you can see the tattoo. But if he grows his hair out – no more tattoo.” “Sure. If you think it’s clever to tattoo the word “wasted” on your head.”
