It’s easy to mock Alanis Morissette for declaring that access to 10,000 spoons is ironic when all you really need is a knife. Whenever I’m tempted, I realize that – like Winona Rider in Reality Bites – I was an English major, went to a fancy college, and still couldn’t define irony if there was [...]
Ill as I felt eating eight cookies in a row, I believe that particular porcine demonstration has become my good luck charm – on par with the athletic socks a winning basketball player won’t take off for three months straight or the rabbit’s foot that evil, evil rabbit-killing people put on their key chains in [...]
I spent my lunch hour hoofing to three separate cookie stores for eight different kinds of cookie. I aspire to be the San Francisco cookie expert, revered for my insight into the cookie trade and lauded for my discerning palate. These things require extensive research. Such worthy goals don’t happen overnight. Unlike that senior thesis [...]
A 7-year old clutching a filched credit card in the candy aisle at Safeway. I find bookstores very inspiring. Both in that “I want to apply the remainder of my previously misspent youth to creating a work of fiction – nay, art! – so eloquent, so emotionally layered that you will cry just looking at [...]
Note: The questions people actually ask me – like “Who ate all the Chex Mix?” and “What’s that smell?” – are not very interesting. So I’ve made some up. Why do you let people write on your bathroom walls with crayons? Where else would I get such linguistic gems as “Love isn’t enough if you [...]
If I answered my phone, I would have to talk to people. I spend the same amount of time avoiding conversation as the dog spends licking the floor hoping for drops of maple syrup. Or small bugs. I like people. I just don’t always want to talk to them. I prefer to intuit their thoughts [...]
Subtitle: It’s About Damn Time, You Selfish, Selfish Woman The cookie contest is hereby reinstated. It will remain so until I get lazy again. The hiatus was due to the fact that I do occasionally have to close my laptop. I bear this unfortunate fact of life with stoic resolve, my lower lip quivering only [...]
I have ventured into untested culinary waters. Specifically, blueberry and almond toasted muesli. That’s fancy-speak for granola. Are you bowled over by my adventurous spirit? You should be. If it isn’t fried and drenched in chocolate with a hole in the center, I won’t eat it for breakfast. (I jest. Sort of.) I modified the [...]
What possessed me to drink three ciders at the beach last night? Did you know that cider has alcohol? It does. Rather a lot of it. The devil alcohol, that which shall never pass my lips again. I will become a Temperance Spitfire of Old, tromping into bars in my sensible shoes and going Carrie [...]
At the age of 79, acting teacher Sanford Meisner was hit by a truck and dragged two city blocks. Upon arriving at the hospital, doctors were shocked he was alive. Not just because he was a 79-year-old man with intimate knowledge of the front end of a delivery truck, but because he had throat cancer. [...]
