Moose in the Kitchen

Dear Funny Farm,

I would like to respectfully request a spot at your esteemed institution. I need to get away for awhile so I don’t attempt to stab anyone in the eye with a butter knife. I don’t really like people, and they’re not liking me at the moment (could be something about that butter knife), so it would be best if I didn’t have contact with too many of them. Cows are OK. I don’t mind cows. I can’t be responsible for milking them or anything – I remain firm in my belief that milk comes from nice neat white cartons and it would be very detrimental to my treatment to disabuse me of this notion – but I wouldn’t mind looking at them or conversing with them. I might even be willing to feed a particularly nice cow an apple once in awhile. Please provide occasional cow snacks with my meals. The meals should be left by your staff in a deserted room somewhere so I could pick them up at my leisure with a minimum of interpersonal contact.

Please rest assured that I am only a danger to myself. I have been known to sit on the floor and cry, maybe bang my head against a hard surface. I also throw the occasional tantrum, sort of like your two-year old niece, the one whose parents don’t get invited to family gatherings anymore because they might bring her and nobody wants that. But I don’t throw things. At least not AT you. Maybe in the general vicinity of you. But there should be no problems if all other patients and staff are kept at least three rooms away.

I would also need internet access, preferably wireless (I don’t want to be attached to a wall somewhere, it might impede my progress), so I could update my loyal blog readers on my progress. Example: I didn’t bite off anyone’s nose today! And the voices in my head finally kicked out Roberto. Roberto was the really nasty one with the lisp. This was a good day.

Your facility does not have any religious overtones, does it? Or undertones, overt or otherwise? Rabid Christians make me itchy even when I am in full control of my faculties. If I am forced into contact with any, I won’t answer for any missing noses.

I realize that you would be required to provide an entire non-denominational wing for my own personal use, as well as a significant amount of acreage (specifications: plenty of trees, grass and a nice pond that I could sail things on) but I promise to make it worth your while. I feel that I may have a strong aptitude toward macrame and would provide your staff’s children with lovely macrame hand puppets.

I eagerly await your response and look forward to moving in with my 97 pairs of shoes and 33 handbags. (P.S. I also need a large closet.)

Sincerely,

Moose