Who Devised this Idiotic Rule?
Posted by Moose on May 18th, 2006. Filed under: My Brain Needs a Drink.I am attempting to become a sharper, cleaner writer. This task requires me to surrender my adverbs. Anyone who has read any sentence I’ve ever written knows how I love my adverbs. Writing without them is akin to severing a finger. To extricate myself from the trap, I will do it. I will chew off the digit to escape the burning building. But I won’t like it. Even as I’m gnawing, I will be thinking, “But, I NEED that finger. That finger is important to me. My hand looks kind of stubby without it.” As the air gets hotter, I chew faster and soon I wrench free. After escaping, I gaze at my hand. “Yup. Something is definitely missing.”
See. It’s easier for me to eat my own finger than it is to stop using adverbs.
Every blog post I write, I think “This is it. The post I write without the adverbs.” And I just can’t do it. An “actually” slips in without my notice. A “usually” adds panache and punch. I succumb. The adverbs bludgeon me into submission and we’re all so much happier.
(Speaking of which, if anyone wants to send me a copy of Adverbs by Daniel Handler, I will send you cookies. I realize this holds absolutely no weight because y’all are getting the cookies for free, but still.)
About those cookies: Tomorrow is the last day to submit a story title to the cookie contest. The winner receives a batch of cookies made by my own nine fingers. As a bonus for this round, I am rescinding the “You can’t win twice rule.” Those are the words that at least two of you have been anticipating for months. Your wait is over.
As previously advertised, I will write a story to match the winning title. It may be wretched. There will definitely be adverbs.
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