Major Accomplishment of the Day: Putting on Pants
Posted by Moose on May 8th, 2006. Filed under: Meat Suit.Sweatpants, at that. So much for jihad. I can get out of bed, but the moment I do I start wondering when I can get back in again. I have to carefully weigh the merits of coffee and crackers against the major disadvantages of being upright and mobile. It took about an hour, but the coffee won out. Hence, the sweatpants. I’m feeling unusually proud of my ability to put on pants today.
Unfortunately, putting on pants is not enough. For every moment that I recline in queasy splendor, the terrorists are winning the war. The war against Crap. The house is covered in it. The kitchen looks like the Rock Hard Scone Factory exploded, setting off a landmine in the Dirty Kitchen Utensils Warehouse. Every flat surface in the living room is covered in books and papers, dying flowers and (folded!) laundry. I didn’t do the folding. I can hear the terrorists laughing from their pristine dens as they sweep up the last of the Cheeto crumbs. (Terrorists may despise us and our SUVs, but they eat Cheetos on the sly. Not even terrorists can resist the seductive shiny packaging of MSG-laden orange snacks.)
I steel myself against their hollow cackling. They will not destroy my way of life. It is my right as an American to reach for the remote and more cheese as I wallow in the detritus of my lazy housekeeping.
Take that, terrorists.
No related posts.
