Dear Funny Farm, I would like to respectfully request a spot at your esteemed institution. I need to get away for awhile so I don’t attempt to stab anyone in the eye with a butter knife. I don’t really like people, and they’re not liking me at the moment (could be something about that butter [...]
Part I: In Which I Demonstrate My Inability to Recognize or Locate a Scraper Thingy Yesterday afternoon I pranced into the discount hardware store wearing pointy-toed high heels and a floaty little skirt that I really (really) shouldn’t be wearing on windy days. Why was I prancing? Because I am incapable of walking otherwise in [...]
Are you prepared? I don’t think you’re prepared. Go ahead. Take a minute. Get yourself a beer. Preferably 10 beers, so when you look at these blurry photos, photos that might make you feel a bit seasick, I can tell you the reason they look blurry is because you just DRANK 10 BEERS. It has [...]
My heart is pounding and I keep checking my teeth for stray spinach. I feel like I’m half an hour away from a first date with someone who is probably not a mass murderer and may even be a reasonable dinner companion. In other words, someone I really like. The heart pounding thing could be [...]
I’ve always wondered what “meme” meant. Is it like “me! me! me!” – my common childhood chant? (Some might argue that it remains my chant to this day. I pay no attention to such people.) Or does the word contain more subtlety and nuance, best when pronounced with a Yugoslavian accent? It’s certainly the internet [...]
My Sanity Is Worth More than Clean Towels Radioactive Red Dye and Lard Who Are You and Why Do You Keep Calling Me? Comment Spam Makes Me Want to Shriek in Existential Despair Where HAVE All the Cowboys Gone? ~~~ *Because I never got around to writing the matching posts.
Below is the winning title(s) of the cookie contest. Kindly control your excitement. As promised, I have written the accompanying story. Please excuse the fact that the heroine just walks around her apartment. I decided it was too complicated to actually think up a plot. Prunella the Barista, or The Ferret Made Me Do It [...]
My aunt gave me Nigella Bites as a gift years before it ever occurred to me to use a stove. I pored over the pictures, completely ignoring the recipes because words like “braise” and “semolina” gave me a slight headache. Now that cooking no longer seems the first step on the pitch-black road to insanity, [...]
My CDs used to be in alphabetical order. Then I got a life. Now I can’t find my CDs. In other news, I am sitting in the living room. Wait, it gets better! People are discussing string theory, the dog is begging for peanuts and I am spilling things on the carpet. It is no [...]
I walked through the door on Wednesday afternoon and was met by a wagging tail – complete with wagging butt – and the stack of mail that lives in the entryway. Most of the mail is not for me. It’s junk mail, or addressed to occupants who vacated six years ago. It’s entirely possible that [...]
